Hey, you know the serial/soap opera comics in the newspaper? I'm a big fan of them, because they're so, well, I don't know what. Bizarre, I guess is the word. I realize that practically everyone else on the planet finds them boring and dumb, but somehow I find them to be really funny more often than not. Plus, if you have a few willing friends, you can try to act them out and discover exactly how ludicrous the dialogue and body language are in actual, real-life settings. Or, they're ludicrous unless you frequently eschew pronouns and do a lot of pointing into the air whenever you make a point.
So, in the slow-paced, often-boring world of soap opera comic strips, one strip, Judge Parker, stands out for being exceptionally slow-paced and boring. To get an idea of how slow the strip is, it took six months from last January to June to cover one day in the strip. Usually, the strip's artist conceals the boredom by offering massive cleavage shots, which then double as a justification for repeating the exact same information the next day with the classic "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said because I was staring at your boobs" defense. Also, I've been reading it for a year, and Judge Parker himself has never appeared outside of the logo on the Sunday title panel.
But the point of all this is to post the Judge's offering for 1/30/08, which is the most boring edition of Judge Parker ever, which puts it on the short list for Most Boring Comic Strip in the History of the Entire Universe.
"Someone will start a job! Someone will go for lunch! Someone will order a sandwich! You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge!"
Actually, I'm kind of hoping this conversation continues for the next two weeks. "Any condiments?" "Mayo." "Regular or fat free?" "Regular. Forget it if it's fat free." "What about sides?" etc. I'm wondering how long they could do it without anyone noticing.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Bulleted List of Song Lyrics
"She's got one magic trick:" Hey, I now weigh 163 pounds, down from 175 a week ago, and pretty much nowhere near the 190 or so I probably should weigh as a 6'4"ian. This is slightly alarming to me, because gaining weight has never really been my forte, and it really makes me wish I had some form of appetite about now. I'm just going to assume that my body will reset itself to 175 as it always does whenever it meanders away from it.
"She wasn't too bright, but from the way she kissed me, I knew she knew how to get her kicks:" Ok, eHarmony, I officially hate you. "Oh look at us. We've got 8 cajillion elements we match to hook you up with someone who is perfect for you!" Well, eHarmony, I think you're missing one of the most important elements: someone who can write a sentence with correct spelling, grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. Really, is that too much to ask for? Because if I wanted to date people who can't spell, there are about 8 dozen within a stone's throw. Just sayin.
"And we talked about some old times, and drank ourselves some beers:" My first girlfriend, AJ, contacted me recently. She's doing well. Also, it's good timing, because I could sort of use her insight and advice to deal with some situations going on. I really shouldn't get into it here. And it's really not entertaining. Probably shouldn't be on a blog. Where's my editor?
"Well it's the same old story: Everywhere I go I get slandered. Libeled. I hear words I never heard in the Bible. And I'm oh so tired, but I'm trying to keep my customer satisfied:" There was a story here once. I wised up and deleted it.
"She wasn't too bright, but from the way she kissed me, I knew she knew how to get her kicks:" Ok, eHarmony, I officially hate you. "Oh look at us. We've got 8 cajillion elements we match to hook you up with someone who is perfect for you!" Well, eHarmony, I think you're missing one of the most important elements: someone who can write a sentence with correct spelling, grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. Really, is that too much to ask for? Because if I wanted to date people who can't spell, there are about 8 dozen within a stone's throw. Just sayin.
"And we talked about some old times, and drank ourselves some beers:" My first girlfriend, AJ, contacted me recently. She's doing well. Also, it's good timing, because I could sort of use her insight and advice to deal with some situations going on. I really shouldn't get into it here. And it's really not entertaining. Probably shouldn't be on a blog. Where's my editor?
"Well it's the same old story: Everywhere I go I get slandered. Libeled. I hear words I never heard in the Bible. And I'm oh so tired, but I'm trying to keep my customer satisfied:" There was a story here once. I wised up and deleted it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Some Random Day Of the Week YouTube
Sorry. I had no clue what to post for this week's YouTube post. I'm afraid the well might be running dry, and I'll have to actually search for stuff again, which is dangerous because of all the "Here's me talking" videos which seem to be dominating the dang site lately. Anyway, after much searching, I think I've found something you'll enjoy. No promises for next week, though.
Peer Pressure
Scene: Andy is clearing all the trash out of his apartment.
...my baby wrote me a letter BOW! BOW! BOW, BA BOW BOW!
Hey! There's Jeff's dumb girly alcohol that everyone always makes fun of.
Yeah, I should probably throw that out. It's probably three years old by now.
Dude, you can't throw that out. It's not yours.
Plus it'd be wasteful. You can't waste stuff. It's not right.
Not at all.
Can't throw it out.
Oh c'mon now. Seriously. I don't drink, and even if I did, I'm pretty sure I couldn't even stoop to that level. And Jeff isn't coming back for it. I'm throwing it out.
Ha ha, look, it's even got a raspberry print on the inside label. How precious.
Seriously, does this even count as alcohol? I say no.
Agreed. Not alcohol. Let's drink it and find out why everyone makes fun of it.
Oooh! Good idea.
No. Not a good idea at all. Every time I drink, I get pissed off for no good reason and end up miserable.
Well, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason you live in a grossly disgusting apartment is that you aren't pissed off enough?
Definitely. Plus, if you throw it away, the bag will get heavy. I'm not going to carry that heavy bag down the stairs.
Good call. Let's just drink it, laugh at Jeff's horrible taste from three years ago, and then get back to cleaning.
No no no. It's three years old. It's got to be bad by now.
Oh, I'm sure it was bad to begin with.
Plus, it's in a bottle. A sealed bottle! It'll probably be good forever.
Yeah, just like when you freeze or jar things, they stay good forever. Same with bottling. I'm sure of it.
No no no. I'm relatively sure that's not true. I think you just made it up.
Makes sense though. And let's not fool ourselves: if it were a Diet Coke, you would have drank it already, so I don't think you've got a leg to stand on regarding the freshness issue.
Mmmm. Diet Coke. Now I'm thirsty. Lucky thing we've got a drink in our hand.
Time to take a break.
NO. I've got work to do.
And I'm sure this will get you in the right mindset. All right. Bottoms up.
Ick. I'm not too impressed.
Ha ha! It tastes like a frickin' burning Dum Dum.
You've got to be kidding me. This isn't anything like alcohol. Drink some more.
I don't want to.
Neither do I, but the sink is full of dirty dishes, and the bathroom is clogged, so we don't have a place to pour it out.
That is dumb.
Just drink it.
Fine. God, why am I drinking this?
It'll motivate you. You know, somehow I don't think this is meant to be drank at room temperature.
It just adds to the appeal, really.
Ugh. Let's just finish the damn thing and get back to work.
And put the rest in the fridge since we're not throwing them out.
**Roughly 30 minutes later, while putting a load of jeans in the dryer**
Ugh. That drink didn't really agree with the stomach one bit.
In hindsight, drinking a three year old semi-alcoholic beverage after recovering from a gastric illness might not have been the best idea we've ever had.
Really, someone probably should've talked us out of that one.
Seems to be helping with the head injury though. The headaches all but gone.
Yeah, but that's only because the other side is pounding too now. Why do I listen to you two?
Beats me. You're the smart one here. Why don't you ever talk us out these idea?
Wait, check out that lock on the dryer! I bet we could jimmy that lock with the restraint key and open it up!
No, that's theft.
Well, then we'll only take the money we put in. That way, we're not stealing from any of our neighbors.
Just the landlord who refuses to fix the pipes which ensure that there are always dirty dishes in the sink.
And he's got it coming.
Who charges their residents to do laundry, anyway? That's pretty rude.
STOP!
Tune in next time, as Andy breaks his restraint key in a dryer lock, then steals a ceiling tile to replace the ruined one in his apartment.
...my baby wrote me a letter BOW! BOW! BOW, BA BOW BOW!
Hey! There's Jeff's dumb girly alcohol that everyone always makes fun of.
Yeah, I should probably throw that out. It's probably three years old by now.
Dude, you can't throw that out. It's not yours.
Plus it'd be wasteful. You can't waste stuff. It's not right.
Not at all.
Can't throw it out.
Oh c'mon now. Seriously. I don't drink, and even if I did, I'm pretty sure I couldn't even stoop to that level. And Jeff isn't coming back for it. I'm throwing it out.
Ha ha, look, it's even got a raspberry print on the inside label. How precious.
Seriously, does this even count as alcohol? I say no.
Agreed. Not alcohol. Let's drink it and find out why everyone makes fun of it.
Oooh! Good idea.
No. Not a good idea at all. Every time I drink, I get pissed off for no good reason and end up miserable.
Well, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason you live in a grossly disgusting apartment is that you aren't pissed off enough?
Definitely. Plus, if you throw it away, the bag will get heavy. I'm not going to carry that heavy bag down the stairs.
Good call. Let's just drink it, laugh at Jeff's horrible taste from three years ago, and then get back to cleaning.
No no no. It's three years old. It's got to be bad by now.
Oh, I'm sure it was bad to begin with.
Plus, it's in a bottle. A sealed bottle! It'll probably be good forever.
Yeah, just like when you freeze or jar things, they stay good forever. Same with bottling. I'm sure of it.
No no no. I'm relatively sure that's not true. I think you just made it up.
Makes sense though. And let's not fool ourselves: if it were a Diet Coke, you would have drank it already, so I don't think you've got a leg to stand on regarding the freshness issue.
Mmmm. Diet Coke. Now I'm thirsty. Lucky thing we've got a drink in our hand.
Time to take a break.
NO. I've got work to do.
And I'm sure this will get you in the right mindset. All right. Bottoms up.
Ick. I'm not too impressed.
Ha ha! It tastes like a frickin' burning Dum Dum.
You've got to be kidding me. This isn't anything like alcohol. Drink some more.
I don't want to.
Neither do I, but the sink is full of dirty dishes, and the bathroom is clogged, so we don't have a place to pour it out.
That is dumb.
Just drink it.
Fine. God, why am I drinking this?
It'll motivate you. You know, somehow I don't think this is meant to be drank at room temperature.
It just adds to the appeal, really.
Ugh. Let's just finish the damn thing and get back to work.
And put the rest in the fridge since we're not throwing them out.
**Roughly 30 minutes later, while putting a load of jeans in the dryer**
Ugh. That drink didn't really agree with the stomach one bit.
In hindsight, drinking a three year old semi-alcoholic beverage after recovering from a gastric illness might not have been the best idea we've ever had.
Really, someone probably should've talked us out of that one.
Seems to be helping with the head injury though. The headaches all but gone.
Yeah, but that's only because the other side is pounding too now. Why do I listen to you two?
Beats me. You're the smart one here. Why don't you ever talk us out these idea?
Wait, check out that lock on the dryer! I bet we could jimmy that lock with the restraint key and open it up!
No, that's theft.
Well, then we'll only take the money we put in. That way, we're not stealing from any of our neighbors.
Just the landlord who refuses to fix the pipes which ensure that there are always dirty dishes in the sink.
And he's got it coming.
Who charges their residents to do laundry, anyway? That's pretty rude.
STOP!
Tune in next time, as Andy breaks his restraint key in a dryer lock, then steals a ceiling tile to replace the ruined one in his apartment.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
I hate movies that last too long. Yes, Mr. Filmmaker, I realize that all of your ideas were just pure brilliance, but they're not all relevant to this movie, so please just stick them in the bin for next time, and hire a freaking editor. This practice most often infuriates me when a movie decides to give you details of everything that happened to everybody and everything in the movie after the action and development has stopped instead of just ending the friggin movie. For a particularly awful example of this, see Casino Royale, or just a few more years and see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Lawrence of Arabia is 3 hours and 40 minutes long, and it didn't remotely seem too long to me. There was enough good plot and character development happening the whole time that I was intrigued until the end. It took me a long time to talk myself into seeing it. Over a month, actually, but it's a good one if you've got four hours that you'd rather not spend doing anything constructive. Steven Spielberg cites this as his favorite movie of all time, and even has a little spiel about it on the bonus features disc. I think the most telling thing about how much I liked this movie is that after spending 220 minutes watching it, I took the time to peruse the special features. Anyway, if there's one thing I'm not going to do, it's argue with the creator of Animaniacs about what is and is not awesome.
My favorite dialogue:
Tafas: Truly now, you are a British officer?
Lawrence: Yes.
Tafas: From Cairo?
Lawrence: Yes.
Tafas: You did not ride from Cairo?
Lawrence: No, thank heavens. It's 900 miles. I came by boat.
Tafas: And before? From Britain?
Lawrence: Yes.
Tafas: Truly?
Lawrence: From Oxfordshire.
Tafas: Is that a desert country?
Lawrence: No. A fat country. Fat people.
Tafas: You are not fat?
Lawrence: No. I'm different.
So, yeah, David Lean is quickly climbing the ranks of "Directors whose movies I'll see just because they directed it," and is now ranked just behind The Coen Brothers and Clint Eastwood.
Oh, and speaking of the Coen Brothers, I watched a TOTALLY ilLEGAL COPY of No Country For Old Men last week too. After the Oscars, I presume I'll be writing an exasperated post about how the Coens were shafted again.
Ok, so time to update the sadly neglected Board.
Lawrence of Arabia is 3 hours and 40 minutes long, and it didn't remotely seem too long to me. There was enough good plot and character development happening the whole time that I was intrigued until the end. It took me a long time to talk myself into seeing it. Over a month, actually, but it's a good one if you've got four hours that you'd rather not spend doing anything constructive. Steven Spielberg cites this as his favorite movie of all time, and even has a little spiel about it on the bonus features disc. I think the most telling thing about how much I liked this movie is that after spending 220 minutes watching it, I took the time to peruse the special features. Anyway, if there's one thing I'm not going to do, it's argue with the creator of Animaniacs about what is and is not awesome.
My favorite dialogue:
Tafas: Truly now, you are a British officer?
Lawrence: Yes.
Tafas: From Cairo?
Lawrence: Yes.
Tafas: You did not ride from Cairo?
Lawrence: No, thank heavens. It's 900 miles. I came by boat.
Tafas: And before? From Britain?
Lawrence: Yes.
Tafas: Truly?
Lawrence: From Oxfordshire.
Tafas: Is that a desert country?
Lawrence: No. A fat country. Fat people.
Tafas: You are not fat?
Lawrence: No. I'm different.
So, yeah, David Lean is quickly climbing the ranks of "Directors whose movies I'll see just because they directed it," and is now ranked just behind The Coen Brothers and Clint Eastwood.
Oh, and speaking of the Coen Brothers, I watched a TOTALLY ilLEGAL COPY of No Country For Old Men last week too. After the Oscars, I presume I'll be writing an exasperated post about how the Coens were shafted again.
Ok, so time to update the sadly neglected Board.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Ick
Guys, I'm just not feeling so well these days. I appear to be suffering from some sort of gross intestinal illness. It's, as I said, gross. I'm pretty sure I got it from work, as over half our residents have been placed on a clear liquid diet for digestion problems in the past week. It's not fun. Not one bit fun.
So, January continues to be not a banner month for this blog. And since February annually sucks, I'll probably get back to my usual awesome posting sometime around mid-March.
So, January continues to be not a banner month for this blog. And since February annually sucks, I'll probably get back to my usual awesome posting sometime around mid-March.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
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