I saw a woman out for a run today, and immediately became sad. I used to love running, even though I've never been very good at it. I always just assumed I sucked because I was weak and didn't practice enough, but it turns out that I apparently lack the lungs to do it. I haven't been to the doctor for it, but I have what appears to be a very bad case of exercise-induced asthma, as I exhibit all of the symptoms: lungs filled with mucus, a constant ineffective cough, shallow breaths that burn through the entirety of my respiratory system, and light-headedness.
The really sad part is that every time I would go running, I would come up with a reason to convince myself that there was nothing major wrong with me. I was just out of shape. Or it was the cold air that burns my lungs. I was getting over a sinus infection. There was always a perfectly good reason why my respiratory system was completely failing me, and the answer was always "Work through the pain and it will be easier tomorrow." It never was. Today, I doubt I could run two miles before I'd have to stop for lack of air. In high school I could do at least ten.
But now I have this fancy new insurance card, which I'm told can help get me some healthcare. As such, I think in the next few days I'm going to find a doctor and schedule an appointment for a checkup and examination.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The Big Problem
I've started this post a couple times already and given up because it makes me sound like an uppity jerk, but I suppose I have to get it out of the way at some point.
Barrier #2 to me finding a relationship: Liking people.
I'm a friendly person. I smile a lot, and I'm rather skilled at making small talk. If nothing else, I can keep quiet and listen to other people with some degree of attention. And I get along with most people I meet, so I don't exactly go out and start fights.
However, I don't usually find people that I feel I would enjoy spending large amounts of time with. Most of the time, I feel I can tolerate people for about 30 minutes before I'm going to become bored. People just seem to run out of personality or amusing anecdotes, or they're too afraid people will think they're weird, or something. I don't know. The bottom line is that I'm indifferent to most of the people I meet. Part of the problem is probably that the place that I come from is a small town. They think so small; they use small words.
To be fair, I don't really invite people to open up to me very well. I'm pretty sarcastic and critical, as most of the readers of this space will already know from years of hanging out with me. Usually I'm sarcastic and critical in a fun and non-offensive sort of way, but if people don't really know me that well, I can imagine them being confused and upset by my usual conversation.
This, by the way, is the main reason I do not drink. People lose their conversation filters when they've had a little to drink. For most people, this just involves the filters that stop them from saying stupid stuff that doesn't make any sense. For me, it takes a few filters to turn the mean and abusive things I think on a regular basis into a harmless little witticism, so intoxication generally ends up with me making a few new enemies and no one having fun.
But back to the subject at hand: liking people. Christy, the LPN on my unit, is the opposite of me: she either loves or hates everyone she has ever met. As such, she has gone through her life with no shortage of friends, but plenty of enemies as well and no shortage of avoidable unpleasant drama, from the way she tells it. I am going through life with no shortage of friendly well-wishers, in that they don't wish me any particular harms, and very little unpleasant drama. Most of the drama I have had in my life has ended with me in a deep situational depression, so I'm not inclined to change this one any time soon. If I were, this would be more like a hurdle then a barrier.
This is a long rambling post that I'm not particularly proud of, but I'm posting it to get it out of the way. I should probably add that if you're reading this blog, I like you, even you people I don't know who found me through my blog-wide famous sibling, like Sara.
Barrier #2 to me finding a relationship: Liking people.
I'm a friendly person. I smile a lot, and I'm rather skilled at making small talk. If nothing else, I can keep quiet and listen to other people with some degree of attention. And I get along with most people I meet, so I don't exactly go out and start fights.
However, I don't usually find people that I feel I would enjoy spending large amounts of time with. Most of the time, I feel I can tolerate people for about 30 minutes before I'm going to become bored. People just seem to run out of personality or amusing anecdotes, or they're too afraid people will think they're weird, or something. I don't know. The bottom line is that I'm indifferent to most of the people I meet. Part of the problem is probably that the place that I come from is a small town. They think so small; they use small words.
To be fair, I don't really invite people to open up to me very well. I'm pretty sarcastic and critical, as most of the readers of this space will already know from years of hanging out with me. Usually I'm sarcastic and critical in a fun and non-offensive sort of way, but if people don't really know me that well, I can imagine them being confused and upset by my usual conversation.
This, by the way, is the main reason I do not drink. People lose their conversation filters when they've had a little to drink. For most people, this just involves the filters that stop them from saying stupid stuff that doesn't make any sense. For me, it takes a few filters to turn the mean and abusive things I think on a regular basis into a harmless little witticism, so intoxication generally ends up with me making a few new enemies and no one having fun.
But back to the subject at hand: liking people. Christy, the LPN on my unit, is the opposite of me: she either loves or hates everyone she has ever met. As such, she has gone through her life with no shortage of friends, but plenty of enemies as well and no shortage of avoidable unpleasant drama, from the way she tells it. I am going through life with no shortage of friendly well-wishers, in that they don't wish me any particular harms, and very little unpleasant drama. Most of the drama I have had in my life has ended with me in a deep situational depression, so I'm not inclined to change this one any time soon. If I were, this would be more like a hurdle then a barrier.
This is a long rambling post that I'm not particularly proud of, but I'm posting it to get it out of the way. I should probably add that if you're reading this blog, I like you, even you people I don't know who found me through my blog-wide famous sibling, like Sara.
Monday, January 8, 2007
Change of Heart
When we last left off, I was about to go into some detail about the various barriers I have when it comes to establishing any form of relationship. So with no further ado...
Barrier #1: Meeting People.
Put simply, I don't ever meet anybody new, and I'm rarely in a good situation for meeting new people. I've generally been content with having a few close friends as opposed to plenty of acquaintances, so I've never made much of an effort to go out and meet the locals, and it's worked for me. Until now, I always got by on my own, and I never really cared.
But now it chills me to the bone.
The list of places where I do meet new people is depressingly small. Since I do not want to add another bulleted list to this blog quite yet, you'll be forced to read it in prose. First, there's the various fast food chains and convenience stores that I frequent on my way to work. As a former gas station attendant, I've swapped more than a few war stories with the good people at the VP where I go on my breaks from work.
Second, work. I generally get along well with my coworkers, and we share many hilarious stories of our past exploits. We're all pretty new to the hospital, so it's nice, tight bonding experience every night. However, I usually only work with the 7 people on my unit's shift, so I don't really get the chance to meet a whole lot of people who are not mentally ill while I'm at work.
Third, the occasional random people Jeff knows when I hang out with him.
That really does it for places I meet people. Since I'm not a particularly outgoing person myself, I don't end up meeting a large number of new people in any given period of time, and at times I can be surly enough to actually repel people from miles away. Also, working in the evening shift regularly prohibits me from joining any form of civic activity that would lead me to meeting more people, and since I can never go to sleep when I get off work, I'm always up for at least half the night doing pretty much nothing on weeks when Jeff works thirds.
And the night goes on so very slow.
Barrier #1: Meeting People.
Put simply, I don't ever meet anybody new, and I'm rarely in a good situation for meeting new people. I've generally been content with having a few close friends as opposed to plenty of acquaintances, so I've never made much of an effort to go out and meet the locals, and it's worked for me. Until now, I always got by on my own, and I never really cared.
But now it chills me to the bone.
The list of places where I do meet new people is depressingly small. Since I do not want to add another bulleted list to this blog quite yet, you'll be forced to read it in prose. First, there's the various fast food chains and convenience stores that I frequent on my way to work. As a former gas station attendant, I've swapped more than a few war stories with the good people at the VP where I go on my breaks from work.
Second, work. I generally get along well with my coworkers, and we share many hilarious stories of our past exploits. We're all pretty new to the hospital, so it's nice, tight bonding experience every night. However, I usually only work with the 7 people on my unit's shift, so I don't really get the chance to meet a whole lot of people who are not mentally ill while I'm at work.
Third, the occasional random people Jeff knows when I hang out with him.
That really does it for places I meet people. Since I'm not a particularly outgoing person myself, I don't end up meeting a large number of new people in any given period of time, and at times I can be surly enough to actually repel people from miles away. Also, working in the evening shift regularly prohibits me from joining any form of civic activity that would lead me to meeting more people, and since I can never go to sleep when I get off work, I'm always up for at least half the night doing pretty much nothing on weeks when Jeff works thirds.
And the night goes on so very slow.
Monday Morning YouTube
File this one under "Didn't see that coming..."
Of course, the funniest part about this one would be the comments about how Celine Dion absolutely RUINED this masterpiece of a song.
Of course, the funniest part about this one would be the comments about how Celine Dion absolutely RUINED this masterpiece of a song.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
On Being Single
I am currently single. I have been for most of my life. In fact, last year I was in only the second major relationship of my life, and I am now a quarter of a century old.
The first major relationship was very unpleasant, not unlike dating a totalitarian tyrant. It was a long distance relationship with a very paranoid and demanding person who was convinced I was cheating on her at any possible moment and actively looked for any sign whatsoever to prove her correct. As such, the mere thought that another woman on the planet might be attractive was taken as proof that I was leaving her at any given moment. I was convicted of many thought crimes in a vast number of show trials. Once I laughed at a joke a waitress told us. Another time I said hello to a ride attendant at Cedar Point. This was all it took for me to be subjected to the Spanish Inquisition. I didn't go into that relationship expecting a sort of Spanish Inquisition. Nobody does, I'm guessing.
When that relationship ended, I was a little bummed, as I responded to those accusations not by telling her to get a grip and grow up, but with a steadfast determination to prove that she was wrong, wrong, wrong and I was right, only to be dumped in the end. Still, it was quite the burden off the shoulders, and when I got over it, I was in no hurry to ever get in a relationship again.
Until last year, when I fell ass backwards into a relationship with my boss, Dawn. This relationship was different in that it was a lot of fun, and not stressful in the slightest, to me anyways. She apparently was highly stressed about a number of issues that she never brought up to me but felt were worth dumping me over anyways, out of the blue. This messed up my world for a few months, but my world is largely put back together as it was, with one major difference.
For the first time in my life now, I am conscious of the fact that I am single. Being single seems odd to me now, like it's not the way I'm supposed to be anymore. Everyone I know is getting in a relationship of some sort, and most of the people I graduated with appear to be well on their way toward some sort of long-term committed relationship.
The obvious answer to this is that maybe I should begin looking for a relationship, but I've discovered I have more than a few deficits in that department. Since this post is beginning to grow long, and since it will give me writing material for a week or so, I'm going to put a "To Be Continued" or a "First in a Five Part Series" on this post and let it go for now.
Tune in next time: Same bat time, same bat channel!
The first major relationship was very unpleasant, not unlike dating a totalitarian tyrant. It was a long distance relationship with a very paranoid and demanding person who was convinced I was cheating on her at any possible moment and actively looked for any sign whatsoever to prove her correct. As such, the mere thought that another woman on the planet might be attractive was taken as proof that I was leaving her at any given moment. I was convicted of many thought crimes in a vast number of show trials. Once I laughed at a joke a waitress told us. Another time I said hello to a ride attendant at Cedar Point. This was all it took for me to be subjected to the Spanish Inquisition. I didn't go into that relationship expecting a sort of Spanish Inquisition. Nobody does, I'm guessing.
When that relationship ended, I was a little bummed, as I responded to those accusations not by telling her to get a grip and grow up, but with a steadfast determination to prove that she was wrong, wrong, wrong and I was right, only to be dumped in the end. Still, it was quite the burden off the shoulders, and when I got over it, I was in no hurry to ever get in a relationship again.
Until last year, when I fell ass backwards into a relationship with my boss, Dawn. This relationship was different in that it was a lot of fun, and not stressful in the slightest, to me anyways. She apparently was highly stressed about a number of issues that she never brought up to me but felt were worth dumping me over anyways, out of the blue. This messed up my world for a few months, but my world is largely put back together as it was, with one major difference.
For the first time in my life now, I am conscious of the fact that I am single. Being single seems odd to me now, like it's not the way I'm supposed to be anymore. Everyone I know is getting in a relationship of some sort, and most of the people I graduated with appear to be well on their way toward some sort of long-term committed relationship.
The obvious answer to this is that maybe I should begin looking for a relationship, but I've discovered I have more than a few deficits in that department. Since this post is beginning to grow long, and since it will give me writing material for a week or so, I'm going to put a "To Be Continued" or a "First in a Five Part Series" on this post and let it go for now.
Tune in next time: Same bat time, same bat channel!
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Brief Respite
I've meant to keep current with this thing and to fill it with every ludicrous thought that comes into my mind, but I've been away from my computer for the past couple days, as AOL Instant Messenger would say. Or rather, I've been at my computer, but only with company here playing some form of delightful video game instead of my usual lonely brooding that results in wasting time online and writing in this blog.
For you see, due to my own ineptitude, I asked for days off this week when I really didn't need them until next week. And thus, I had three days off in a row that coincided coincidentally with Jeff needing to leave his house and get away from it all for awhile. So Jeff has been crashing here on my recliner for the past few days and we've been finding all sorts of hilarious hijinx to engage in. I'd mention them, but I'm sure you'd all just call us dorks. So I'm not.
Today, in addition to calling the hospital to reschedule one New Year's Day, my plans involve watching the tragic drama that will be the Colts playoff game, waiting for Jeff to return, and then more dorky hijinx.
Since Jeff works nights next week, I'll undoubtedly post more frequently.
For you see, due to my own ineptitude, I asked for days off this week when I really didn't need them until next week. And thus, I had three days off in a row that coincided coincidentally with Jeff needing to leave his house and get away from it all for awhile. So Jeff has been crashing here on my recliner for the past few days and we've been finding all sorts of hilarious hijinx to engage in. I'd mention them, but I'm sure you'd all just call us dorks. So I'm not.
Today, in addition to calling the hospital to reschedule one New Year's Day, my plans involve watching the tragic drama that will be the Colts playoff game, waiting for Jeff to return, and then more dorky hijinx.
Since Jeff works nights next week, I'll undoubtedly post more frequently.
Monday, January 1, 2007
Groovy, Aunt Slappy Man.
I thought I'd try to post a youtube video on this blog before I left for work. If it doesn't work, this post will be deleted. If it does, then I'll make this a feature every Monday. Blogs need regular features.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
