Thursday, January 31, 2008

This Might Only Interest Me

Hey, you know the serial/soap opera comics in the newspaper? I'm a big fan of them, because they're so, well, I don't know what. Bizarre, I guess is the word. I realize that practically everyone else on the planet finds them boring and dumb, but somehow I find them to be really funny more often than not. Plus, if you have a few willing friends, you can try to act them out and discover exactly how ludicrous the dialogue and body language are in actual, real-life settings. Or, they're ludicrous unless you frequently eschew pronouns and do a lot of pointing into the air whenever you make a point.

So, in the slow-paced, often-boring world of soap opera comic strips, one strip, Judge Parker, stands out for being exceptionally slow-paced and boring. To get an idea of how slow the strip is, it took six months from last January to June to cover one day in the strip. Usually, the strip's artist conceals the boredom by offering massive cleavage shots, which then double as a justification for repeating the exact same information the next day with the classic "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said because I was staring at your boobs" defense. Also, I've been reading it for a year, and Judge Parker himself has never appeared outside of the logo on the Sunday title panel.

But the point of all this is to post the Judge's offering for 1/30/08, which is the most boring edition of Judge Parker ever, which puts it on the short list for Most Boring Comic Strip in the History of the Entire Universe.

"Someone will start a job! Someone will go for lunch! Someone will order a sandwich! You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge!"

Actually, I'm kind of hoping this conversation continues for the next two weeks. "Any condiments?" "Mayo." "Regular or fat free?" "Regular. Forget it if it's fat free." "What about sides?" etc. I'm wondering how long they could do it without anyone noticing.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Bulleted List of Song Lyrics

"She's got one magic trick:" Hey, I now weigh 163 pounds, down from 175 a week ago, and pretty much nowhere near the 190 or so I probably should weigh as a 6'4"ian. This is slightly alarming to me, because gaining weight has never really been my forte, and it really makes me wish I had some form of appetite about now. I'm just going to assume that my body will reset itself to 175 as it always does whenever it meanders away from it.

"She wasn't too bright, but from the way she kissed me, I knew she knew how to get her kicks:" Ok, eHarmony, I officially hate you. "Oh look at us. We've got 8 cajillion elements we match to hook you up with someone who is perfect for you!" Well, eHarmony, I think you're missing one of the most important elements: someone who can write a sentence with correct spelling, grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. Really, is that too much to ask for? Because if I wanted to date people who can't spell, there are about 8 dozen within a stone's throw. Just sayin.

"And we talked about some old times, and drank ourselves some beers:" My first girlfriend, AJ, contacted me recently. She's doing well. Also, it's good timing, because I could sort of use her insight and advice to deal with some situations going on. I really shouldn't get into it here. And it's really not entertaining. Probably shouldn't be on a blog. Where's my editor?

"Well it's the same old story: Everywhere I go I get slandered. Libeled. I hear words I never heard in the Bible. And I'm oh so tired, but I'm trying to keep my customer satisfied:" There was a story here once.  I wised up and deleted it.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Some Random Day Of the Week YouTube

Sorry. I had no clue what to post for this week's YouTube post. I'm afraid the well might be running dry, and I'll have to actually search for stuff again, which is dangerous because of all the "Here's me talking" videos which seem to be dominating the dang site lately. Anyway, after much searching, I think I've found something you'll enjoy. No promises for next week, though.

Peer Pressure

Scene: Andy is clearing all the trash out of his apartment. baby wrote me a letter BOW! BOW! BOW, BA BOW BOW!

Hey! There's Jeff's dumb girly alcohol that everyone always makes fun of.

Yeah, I should probably throw that out. It's probably three years old by now.

Dude, you can't throw that out. It's not yours.

Plus it'd be wasteful. You can't waste stuff. It's not right.

Not at all.

Can't throw it out.

Oh c'mon now. Seriously. I don't drink, and even if I did, I'm pretty sure I couldn't even stoop to that level. And Jeff isn't coming back for it. I'm throwing it out.

Ha ha, look, it's even got a raspberry print on the inside label. How precious.

Seriously, does this even count as alcohol? I say no.

Agreed. Not alcohol. Let's drink it and find out why everyone makes fun of it.

Oooh! Good idea.

No. Not a good idea at all. Every time I drink, I get pissed off for no good reason and end up miserable.

Well, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason you live in a grossly disgusting apartment is that you aren't pissed off enough?

Definitely. Plus, if you throw it away, the bag will get heavy. I'm not going to carry that heavy bag down the stairs.

Good call. Let's just drink it, laugh at Jeff's horrible taste from three years ago, and then get back to cleaning.

No no no. It's three years old. It's got to be bad by now.

Oh, I'm sure it was bad to begin with.

Plus, it's in a bottle. A sealed bottle! It'll probably be good forever.

Yeah, just like when you freeze or jar things, they stay good forever. Same with bottling. I'm sure of it.

No no no. I'm relatively sure that's not true. I think you just made it up.

Makes sense though. And let's not fool ourselves: if it were a Diet Coke, you would have drank it already, so I don't think you've got a leg to stand on regarding the freshness issue.

Mmmm. Diet Coke. Now I'm thirsty. Lucky thing we've got a drink in our hand.

Time to take a break.

NO. I've got work to do.

And I'm sure this will get you in the right mindset. All right. Bottoms up.

Ick. I'm not too impressed.

Ha ha! It tastes like a frickin' burning Dum Dum.

You've got to be kidding me. This isn't anything like alcohol. Drink some more.

I don't want to.

Neither do I, but the sink is full of dirty dishes, and the bathroom is clogged, so we don't have a place to pour it out.

That is dumb.

Just drink it.

Fine. God, why am I drinking this?

It'll motivate you. You know, somehow I don't think this is meant to be drank at room temperature.

It just adds to the appeal, really.

Ugh. Let's just finish the damn thing and get back to work.

And put the rest in the fridge since we're not throwing them out.

**Roughly 30 minutes later, while putting a load of jeans in the dryer**

Ugh. That drink didn't really agree with the stomach one bit.

In hindsight, drinking a three year old semi-alcoholic beverage after recovering from a gastric illness might not have been the best idea we've ever had.

Really, someone probably should've talked us out of that one.

Seems to be helping with the head injury though. The headaches all but gone.

Yeah, but that's only because the other side is pounding too now. Why do I listen to you two?

Beats me. You're the smart one here. Why don't you ever talk us out these idea?

Wait, check out that lock on the dryer! I bet we could jimmy that lock with the restraint key and open it up!

No, that's theft.

Well, then we'll only take the money we put in. That way, we're not stealing from any of our neighbors.

Just the landlord who refuses to fix the pipes which ensure that there are always dirty dishes in the sink.

And he's got it coming.

Who charges their residents to do laundry, anyway? That's pretty rude.


Tune in next time, as Andy breaks his restraint key in a dryer lock, then steals a ceiling tile to replace the ruined one in his apartment.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

I hate movies that last too long. Yes, Mr. Filmmaker, I realize that all of your ideas were just pure brilliance, but they're not all relevant to this movie, so please just stick them in the bin for next time, and hire a freaking editor. This practice most often infuriates me when a movie decides to give you details of everything that happened to everybody and everything in the movie after the action and development has stopped instead of just ending the friggin movie. For a particularly awful example of this, see Casino Royale, or just a few more years and see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Lawrence of Arabia is 3 hours and 40 minutes long, and it didn't remotely seem too long to me. There was enough good plot and character development happening the whole time that I was intrigued until the end. It took me a long time to talk myself into seeing it. Over a month, actually, but it's a good one if you've got four hours that you'd rather not spend doing anything constructive. Steven Spielberg cites this as his favorite movie of all time, and even has a little spiel about it on the bonus features disc. I think the most telling thing about how much I liked this movie is that after spending 220 minutes watching it, I took the time to peruse the special features. Anyway, if there's one thing I'm not going to do, it's argue with the creator of Animaniacs about what is and is not awesome.

My favorite dialogue:

Tafas: Truly now, you are a British officer?
Lawrence: Yes.
Tafas: From Cairo?
Lawrence: Yes.
Tafas: You did not ride from Cairo?
Lawrence: No, thank heavens. It's 900 miles. I came by boat.
Tafas: And before? From Britain?
Lawrence: Yes.
Tafas: Truly?
Lawrence: From Oxfordshire.
Tafas: Is that a desert country?
Lawrence: No. A fat country. Fat people.
Tafas: You are not fat?
Lawrence: No. I'm different.

So, yeah, David Lean is quickly climbing the ranks of "Directors whose movies I'll see just because they directed it," and is now ranked just behind The Coen Brothers and Clint Eastwood.

Oh, and speaking of the Coen Brothers, I watched a TOTALLY ilLEGAL COPY of No Country For Old Men last week too. After the Oscars, I presume I'll be writing an exasperated post about how the Coens were shafted again.

Ok, so time to update the sadly neglected Board.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


Guys, I'm just not feeling so well these days. I appear to be suffering from some sort of gross intestinal illness. It's, as I said, gross. I'm pretty sure I got it from work, as over half our residents have been placed on a clear liquid diet for digestion problems in the past week. It's not fun. Not one bit fun.

So, January continues to be not a banner month for this blog. And since February annually sucks, I'll probably get back to my usual awesome posting sometime around mid-March.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Monday, January 21, 2008

Things I've Learned This Week

1. If you say, "I've always wanted to be able to draw a perfect heptagon," people will look at you like you're crazy.

2. If you ever get a quesadilla maker, find out if it prefers certain sized tortillas prior to buying two packs of tortillas.

3. Seriously, can you draw a perfect heptagon? It's hard.

4. If you stop blogging for awhile, people might think you have a social life, when in fact you're just addicted to a video game.

5. Really, the topmost point almost always sticks out funny.

6. If someone spends their "break" sitting in the nurse's station of their assigned unit yelling at patients, and then yelling at patients for arguing with them while they're on their break, no one should ever take that person seriously on how to build a therapeutic environment or establish a good rapport with the clients.

7. Drawing perfect nonagons has no appeal for me whatsoever. Heptagons are the thing, I tell you.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Other Things I Hear on Oldies Radio

I believe it was Friday when I heard a promo for 103.5's website which told me of a poll where I could vote for which presidential candidate has the hottest wife.

This has disturbed me greatly. It's the frickin' oldies station. They don't have shock jocks. I'm reasonably sure I'm one of only three males from the 18-30 demographic who listens to it. Why is this necessary, and who is it being directed toward?

Well, I've mulled it over, and here's the Only Possible Explanation: Spousal hotness is really the only issue oldies radio listeners care about, and are dependent upon their radio station's web site to inform them of the options. Thus, this is actually a public service provided to their consumers, and not a misguided and inexplicable promotional stunt.

And so, despite my initial revulsion and confusion over the idea, I have decided it is in fact a good thing, because really, is there even a debate here? It's like asking, "Who is the hottest cartoon character ever?" People might think for a second until one person says, "Jessica Rabbit" and everyone else says, "oh yeah." Hopefully, the "First Hottie" method of voting will catch fire, and in a year, we can all celebrate the first day of the Kucinich Administration.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Monday Morning YouTube

Ah, this video never fails to amuse me. I mean, really, everything, the song, the fake instrument playing, the lip-syncing, the mustaches, it's all perfect. Just bask in its glory.

Still Feeling Good

1. Thursday: At work, I got invited to go to a bar. With a chick. That isn't dating anyone else. Felt pretty awesome.

2. Friday: Nobody asked how it went. I'm assuming it's because everyone knows how irresistible I am, and so there's only one way such an evening could go.

3. Well, actually, we stayed for awhile, yakked, spent a few bucks playing a touch screen game, and then she went home to make spaghetti. I went home and made a pizza.

4. Saturday: An old resident who had been discharged called me up and asked me to come hang out with him at his assisted living house so he could tell me what an awesome staff I was. I happily obliged. Then watched football and Live Free or Die Hard with my dad.

5. Sunday: Watched the Colts be stupid with Dad. Sorta watched the Cowboys/Giants tilt as well, but found it epically boring at times. Then we watched the Amazing Race and the premier of a miniseries called Comanche something-or-other. I don't know. I wouldn't have chosen it based on its premise or title, but it did feature Steve Zahn, and Steve Zahn is pretty much always entertaining.

So, I'm keeping busy by keeping myself not busy with other people. It's a good strategy so far, but it does not make for exciting blog posts. Hopefully, I'll start feeling creative sometime soon.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Well I've been smiling lately

...thinking about the good things to come.

In my life, that is. My blog will be as lame as ever. Sorry.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

The Cultural Contributions of the Bush Administration

Seeing as how it's election time, I thought this would be an ideal time to reflect on some of the more positive contributions of George Bush's time in office. Yes, the entire presidency has been an unmitigated disaster, but that doesn't mean we can't remember the good times:

1. "I hear there's rumors on the internets." What did we do before we called the internets the internets? Does anyone not call the internets the internets at this point? Plus, I still don't know if the internets is singular or plural. Is it "The internets is abuzz with rumors," or "The internets are abuzz with rumors?" I don't know.

2. Talking like Donald Rumsfeld. Is it fun? Most certainly. Will it get on people's nerves? Without a doubt. Is it an effective way to get out of any argument, ever? Well, golly, yes. And while we're in the neighborhood...

3. The 1000 Styles of Donald Rumsfeld. In a somewhat related topic, the next time you read a serial/soap opera comic strip, preferably one that just features two people talking with no action going on, go find a friend or coworker and try to act it out. Crazy, hilariously awkward body language ensues almost every time. Mary Worth is particularly good for this. I think Donald Rumsfeld is the only person who actually gestures like that.

4. Weapons of Mass Destruction-related Program Activities: No one seems to love this one as much as I do, but I find it to be an extremely useful phrase to have around. For instance, right now I'm engaged in some Awesome Blog Posting-related Program Activities. Tomorrow night calls for some Blue Jean Washing-related Program Activities, as well as some Quesadilla Making-related Program Activities. I think it's the ridiculous phraseology combined with the desperation and refusal to admit he was wrong that really makes this so much fun.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

A Two-Fer

First, The Godfather Part II (1974)

There are people who say that The Godfather is the best movie ever made. These people are wrong. Even if you mob movies are your favorite thing in the world, The Godfather Part II is pretty much superior to its predecessor in all ways, including the vital realization that Michael Coreleone is really a jerk and that nobody in his family, or in any other for that matter, likes him.

Of course, it could be the fact that it wasn't based on the book, and thus I didn't really know what was going to happen, unlike with the first movie. Ah well.

Moving on, In the Heat Of the Night (1967):

You know what's nice? When things are exactly as awesome as you expect them to be. Since my exposure to this film consisted of reading the blurb about it on the back of the DVD case in Family Video and hearing that Sydney Poitier is an amazingly good actor, I had pretty high hopes for it. And it was great.

Part of the appeal for me probably came from simply relating to the plight of Virgil Tibbs. While being a victim of racial prejudice isn't a problem I have to deal with, I do have plenty of experience with being the smartest person in the room and not being able to hide my contempt for some of the incompetent people I'm working with. I understand the hatred Virgil has for close-minded small towns. I feel his frustration when he cannot leave when he wants. While I haven't been chased by a lynch mob in recent years, I've been regarded suspiciously by my peers ever since 6th grade, when it was no longer cool or acceptable to be smarter than them. And I understand the feeling of being resigned to a rather solitary existence both of the main characters express.

Also, Tibbs is able to solve the mystery without the modern conveniences of slow motion close-ups of the relevant evidence while techno music plays in the background, which should be impressive to everyone. He has to make due with some early funk instead.

So there we go. Let's update the sadly neglected Board.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Is there any lamer feeling

...than realizing that you haven't been updating your blog much, feeling like you should, but then realizing that you haven't really been turning your life experiences into amusing anecdotes for the consumption of the entire world, so you just sort of sit and stare at a screen, thinking of possible topics that could strike people's interest, only to read something along the lines of "...and work has been a little rough lately, and I'm always tired when I get home" and realize that you're even boring yourself with your boring, boring life?

Seriously, is there a lamer feeling than realizing you are no longer cool enough to be a blogger, a subset of the population known for not being cool enough to have active normal social lives? I think not.

Do you know how this happens? Long-term storylines have anti-climactic endings that are boring to report. The super cool dayshift position job I applied for two months ago? No one has heard anything about it. We think it's really an urban legend to keep us overqualifieds around.

The cute girls at Hardee's that always flirt with me? One quit, one was moved to the back, and their replacements aren't particularly interesting or fun to flirt with. I still get free stuff though.

Mark Trail? The villain confessed everything to Mark with little to no detective work on the part of our inexplicably present hero, and absolutely no face-punching. No one is even destroying or saving the environment this time. What's the point of a Mark Trail Storyline that can't incorporate these sound elements?

My plan to make stuff with a Quesadilla Maker? I left all my cheese at a friend's house, and haven't gotten any more yet.

My car troubles? Still existing unabated. Not going to stop anytime soon, as far as I can tell.

Everywhere I look, there's the potential for excitement, and everytime, nothing resembling excitement or action takes place. Do you know what the most exciting post topic I've come up with in the past week is? Probably not, since I live my life in complete isolation from the rest of the world, so I'll tell you: The Police's "Every Breath You Take": Does it belong on Oldies Radio?

Hell, I might as well write that post, and save it for another rainy week. Which will probably be next week. Until then, you can all decide on your own, and then check your answers with mine sometime next week. It's like an interactive blog game, except without that "fun" element that most games require.

Sheesh. I think I should end this one. I think I should not click publish while I'm at it.

Monday YouTube

"You see... the bear doesn't know it's a competition."

Friday, January 4, 2008

A Quick Update Before I Sleep

1. Fiction suggestions: good call. I haven't read anything in a while, so I'm open to suggestions.

2. I have a friend! Woo WOO! It's my friend Satya from high school. She's maybe the only person I know besides myself who can pull off wearing the "This is what AWESOME Looks Like!" shirt. Today is her birthday, which gave me a great excuse to call her up and hang out with her tonight.

3. I attempted to set a serious cockblock on a coworker tonight. He's bragged about his mastery of patient abuse to me before, and is generally full of shit at all times, so I don't feel remotely bad about it. In fact, I'm going to be disappointed with myself if I failed in this task.

4. Furthermore, the whole episode revealed something to me. Contrary to everything I've ever been told about myself, I have a hard time getting women because I'm not cocky, condescending, and conceited enough. It turns out my coworkers full of shititude and ridiculously inflated and unchecked ego is part of the appeal. This is sad, because there's simply no way I can detach myself that far from reality. My greatness is more understated, you see. And only intelligent women can see it, I think. Regrettably, intelligent women appear to be in short supply.

5. I've broken two automobiles since my last post.

6. I've also gotten a shiny new Quesadilla Maker. I bought cheese tonight, but unfortunately I left it at Satya's, so it'll be a couple nights before I get it back and try it. I'm hoping this experience goes so well that I can develop a new feature for this space in addition to "Monday YouTube," "Best Movie Reviews," and the excessively verbiose "Thoughts on Songs I Heard on the Radio Today." The new one: "Things you can make with a Quesadilla Maker."

7. I got the Quesadilla in a white elephant gift exchange. There were a variety of interesting gifts, with "unused appliances received as gifts in years past" being the favorite. Counter space in young married couples is apparently at a premium. A sandwich maker, a milkshake maker, a quesadilla maker, and a bread maker all showed up. I brought two gifts: a travel size magnetic "Nine Men's Morris" game, and Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits. Simon and Garfunkel were not well-received at first, mainly because I'm quite sure everyone in my family already owns it. However, it's value rose later, when all of my siblings realized they had merely succeeded in trading their unused appliances for equally unused appliances, and the goal of "trading down" in order to get something much smaller appeared. Thus, when my sister Abby threw the Simon and Garfunkel back to grab a holiday mug and bowl set, Paul threw in the Quesadilla Maker to get it off his hands for the smaller CD, and I valiantly grabbed it in exchange for the candy dishes I won. The Nine Men's Morris game went to Joe, who was a pioneer in the "Grab the smallest gift and make a run for it" strategy.

Other gifts of note in the exchange: My little brother Aaron brought a cup. I cheap plastic cup from a pizza place in Muncie. It was easily the lamest White Elephant gift in history, or would be, if it weren't for the fact that Casey and Joe brought an exploding coffee maker that is almost guaranteed to spray scalding water all over the kitchen.

8. I've watched The Godfather Part II. I should do a review of it. Also, I fell asleep three times watching The Godfather Part III.