Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Peer Pressure

Scene: Andy is clearing all the trash out of his apartment.

...my baby wrote me a letter BOW! BOW! BOW, BA BOW BOW!

Hey! There's Jeff's dumb girly alcohol that everyone always makes fun of.

Yeah, I should probably throw that out. It's probably three years old by now.

Dude, you can't throw that out. It's not yours.

Plus it'd be wasteful. You can't waste stuff. It's not right.

Not at all.

Can't throw it out.

Oh c'mon now. Seriously. I don't drink, and even if I did, I'm pretty sure I couldn't even stoop to that level. And Jeff isn't coming back for it. I'm throwing it out.

Ha ha, look, it's even got a raspberry print on the inside label. How precious.

Seriously, does this even count as alcohol? I say no.

Agreed. Not alcohol. Let's drink it and find out why everyone makes fun of it.

Oooh! Good idea.

No. Not a good idea at all. Every time I drink, I get pissed off for no good reason and end up miserable.

Well, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason you live in a grossly disgusting apartment is that you aren't pissed off enough?

Definitely. Plus, if you throw it away, the bag will get heavy. I'm not going to carry that heavy bag down the stairs.

Good call. Let's just drink it, laugh at Jeff's horrible taste from three years ago, and then get back to cleaning.

No no no. It's three years old. It's got to be bad by now.

Oh, I'm sure it was bad to begin with.

Plus, it's in a bottle. A sealed bottle! It'll probably be good forever.


Yeah, just like when you freeze or jar things, they stay good forever. Same with bottling. I'm sure of it.

No no no. I'm relatively sure that's not true. I think you just made it up.

Makes sense though. And let's not fool ourselves: if it were a Diet Coke, you would have drank it already, so I don't think you've got a leg to stand on regarding the freshness issue.

Mmmm. Diet Coke. Now I'm thirsty. Lucky thing we've got a drink in our hand.

Time to take a break.

NO. I've got work to do.

And I'm sure this will get you in the right mindset. All right. Bottoms up.

Ick. I'm not too impressed.

Ha ha! It tastes like a frickin' burning Dum Dum.

You've got to be kidding me. This isn't anything like alcohol. Drink some more.

I don't want to.

Neither do I, but the sink is full of dirty dishes, and the bathroom is clogged, so we don't have a place to pour it out.

That is dumb.

Just drink it.

Fine. God, why am I drinking this?

It'll motivate you. You know, somehow I don't think this is meant to be drank at room temperature.

It just adds to the appeal, really.

Ugh. Let's just finish the damn thing and get back to work.

And put the rest in the fridge since we're not throwing them out.

**Roughly 30 minutes later, while putting a load of jeans in the dryer**

Ugh. That drink didn't really agree with the stomach one bit.

In hindsight, drinking a three year old semi-alcoholic beverage after recovering from a gastric illness might not have been the best idea we've ever had.

Really, someone probably should've talked us out of that one.

Seems to be helping with the head injury though. The headaches all but gone.

Yeah, but that's only because the other side is pounding too now. Why do I listen to you two?

Beats me. You're the smart one here. Why don't you ever talk us out these idea?

Wait, check out that lock on the dryer! I bet we could jimmy that lock with the restraint key and open it up!

No, that's theft.

Well, then we'll only take the money we put in. That way, we're not stealing from any of our neighbors.

Just the landlord who refuses to fix the pipes which ensure that there are always dirty dishes in the sink.

And he's got it coming.

Who charges their residents to do laundry, anyway? That's pretty rude.

STOP!

Tune in next time, as Andy breaks his restraint key in a dryer lock, then steals a ceiling tile to replace the ruined one in his apartment.

1 comment:

KathyR said...

Damn. Your conversations with yourself are funnier and more interesting than the ones I have with my real live family.