Wednesday, January 31, 2007


My computer died last night. Little to nothing to see here until it gets fixed, as my morals are far, far too stringent to allow me to blog while at work, unlike some of you devious internet slackers.

On the plus side, out of sheer nothing-to-do-itude, I'm going to be putting in a LOT of overtime on third shift until this situation is remedied.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Monday Morning YouTube

Is it Monday already? I'm unprepared, so I'll just go with a tribute to one of the oddest cartoon characters ever:

Friday, January 26, 2007

Suave, Talented, and Heckled by Bossy Women

According to the quiz...

You are Schroeder!
Take this quiz!

After reviewing the possible results, I think this fits me better:

You are Marcie!
Take this quiz!

But really, who am I to question the wisdom of the Internets?

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Astrology, Simplified

Female Patient: Andy, you're a Libra, right?
Me: No.
FP: What are you then?
Me: Sagittarius.
FP: So you were born in December, right?
Me: Yeah, why do you know that?
FP: I'm a Scorpio because I was born in November.
Me: So what's that say about you?
FP: I dunno. Can you get me a horoscope?
Me: Sure. (Quickly prints out a Yahoo! Horoscope for her)
FP: "Scorpio: If someone is getting on your last nerve, today is the day to stop the madness."
Me: Want me to explain it to you?
FP: Yeah. NO! No!
Me: It won't take me long.
FP: NO! Ok.
Me: All right, who gets on your nerves the most around here?
FP: (Points at me)
Me: Right. And what's the best way to get me to stop?
FP: Do what you say.
Me: Right again. So your horoscope means "Listen to everything I say and do what I tell you to."
FP: But you tell me to do mean and evil things.
Me: No I don't. What mean and evil things do I tell you to do?
FP: Take a shower and go to classes.
Me: That's not mean and evil. That's the natural order of things, and it says down here not to fight it. Your horoscope says you should listen to me, do what I say, take a shower, and go to classes.
FP: (Walks away, crumples up the horoscope and throws it in the trash)

Monday, January 22, 2007

Monday Morning YouTube

I'll probably post something about my favorite football team later on, but for now I'll get the YouTube clip up.

Long before I ever got to see it, I always imagined this video would look something like this.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Forty Cents

It has probably become apparent to all 5 readers of this space that I spend a bit too much time at night wasting away the hours looking for cool videos on YouTube instead of doing something with my life. I wish I could say this is a myth, but it is true. In my defense, looking at videos on YouTube and writing on a blog qualify me for Time's Person of the Year '06, so I guess you could say I'm going places.

But back to the subject at hand: YouTube. I'm always disturbed by the comments on the video pages. They generally make my brain hurt. First, they frequently contain many grammatical and spelling errors. I can forgive the occasional typo, but when every word of the comment is misspelled, there's a problem. Second, in addition to horrible editing, people generally get into flame wars with the other random people, usually calling them insults that are personally offensive to me. Third, even the few commenters who are able to spell and be civil generally post nonsense.

The video that inspired this was "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe. Since I never watched MTV because I valued my intelligence way too much, I missed a lot of the videos for the songs I liked in high school, and watch them now that I have the time and the technology. There are currently 9 comments, and none are remotely worth reading. If I commented on YouTube, I would leave responses to all of them. Here's a sampling of what I would say:

Comment #1: "I love this song! Take me back to the late 90s now please! There should be a section devoted just to the 90s." (because nothing says fun-loving 90s like a song about a murder-suicide)

2: "This song brings me so many memories and makes me think about so many things that I should have basically makes me feel depressed but it's so beautiful and meaninful it" (wait, things you should've done like NOT leave and ignore your suicidal ex-girlfriend? Or not live in denial about your involvement in the whole thing? And if you had those memories, why would you love this song?)

6: "This song is so sad and beautiful... it's about how the lead singer's girlfriend had an abortion when they were in high school." (Unless it's now possible to have an abortion using only a shoeful of rice, I'm thinking you got this song mixed up with "Brick" by Ben Folds Five. Actually listening to the lyrics will help you avoid mistakes like these in the future.)

Now, if President Bush were here, he'd probably say something like "It's irresponsible of you to criticize other people's comments when you don't have any comments of your own," to which I'd say, "It's difficult to have a discussion with people who don't even bother paying attention to the song."

Didn't expect this post to end up here, but I suppose when you set out to make fun of stupid people, you often end up making subtle political commentary. Plus it gives me an idea: Coming Tomorrow: a poetry explication detailing how The Freshmen predicted the result of the Iraq War. A good time shall be had by all.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Signs Your Life Is Not Interesting

I had a dream yesterday morning. I dreamed I had twenty-four dollars in my wallet. One ten, two fives, and four ones. Then I got to work and was assigned "C" duties, which involve handling baths and laundry, taking vital signs, and writing out the program book.

Then I woke up, and discovered I only had one dollar in my wallet, and got to work where I was assigned miscellaneous duties instead of C duties. Maybe someday my dreams will come true.

However, my life is about to take a jolt of excitement. You see, my horoscope tells me the stars are showing that I will make progress toward a goal that I haven't taken the first step toward yet. Since the only progressless goal I have is rockstardom, I'm going to look for a keyboard or piano to purchase tomorrow. Unless I forget and sleep in.

Yep. Life moves pretty quickly around here.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Monday Morning YouTube

This one is definitely appropriate for small children.

Friday, January 12, 2007

"Brace yourself while Corporate America tries to sell us its wretched things."

A public service announcement:

There is no reason (repeat: NO REASON) why every household in the country should not have a copy of The Tick Vs. Season 1.

So what did you people do last night?

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?

I'm considering making this my blog's second weekly feature, depending on the success I have writing the first couple and how well it is received. In it, I will share an unpopular or controversial, yet utterly pointless, observation, and ponder it. Sounds like fun to me.

This week's subject: The Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

The Trans-Siberian Orchestra sounds like Meat Loaf. The orchestra's basic songwriting formula is take a Christmas carol or two in minor keys, add an electric bass riff underneath it, atmospheric percussion such as bells and chimes, keyboard-driven melody lines, a few epic-style guitar solos, some dramatic instrumental swells, and call it a day. If you throw in a loud, sweaty, overweight tenor, you have "Life Is a Lemon (and I Want My Money Back)" every time. The album might as well be called "A Very Meat Loaf Christmas".

So what I'm pondering is this: Why is the Trans-Siberian Orchestra almost universally embraced while Meat Loaf is almost universally mocked? My theory: Meat Loaf has stiffer competition. Since most holiday music has a gratingly mellow light rock adult contemporary sound, the darker sound of the TSO is refreshing by contrast, while Meat Loaf sounds over-the-top and goofy when compared to other rock. Still, I hold that if you like the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, you pretty much have to like Meat Loaf in the name of ideological consistency in musical tastes. Meat Loaf's songs generally require higher levels of musicianship, too.

I realize this would have been appropriate and timely blogging material about a month ago, but I didn't have a blog then, and I didn't first broach this subject with someone I knew until Christmas Day.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Light-hearted and Random, coming up.

Nando, my third college roommate, called me out of the blue tonight. We had a delightful chat, caught up on each other's schemes and affairs, and talked some pro basketball, as our favorite teams (The Pacers and the Timberwolves) are both mired in mediocrity. However, toward the end of our conversation he kept singing bits and pieces of some song I didn't recognize, and when I asked what it was, he said, "You mean you never saw that commercial?" Since I don't have cable, the answer to this question under almost all circumstances is "no," so he proceeded to get on the YouTube and send me this:

Now, after we mused about the utter hilarity of this video (starting with Hootie's purple cowboy shirt and awkward facial expression), we came up with a stellar idea. Since BK is already in the business of producing ridiculous XBox games, why not have Hootie revise all of his hits so that they're about Burger King food and sell them for $3.99 with a purchase of a Value Meal? I'll start.

"Chicken Fries"

He pulls up to the drive-thru window
Tryin' to find the key to her appetite.
But she don't want no burger nor a coke
She don't want no apple pie.

He always picks in vain,
Just to go home where she complains
That he got her order wrong.
But tonight it all will change
Her tastebuds will rearrange
and she'll start to sing a very different song

With her Chicken Fries
Tasty snack for on the go
Chicken Fries
Creamy sauce of Buffalo
Chicken Fries
With a cup of BK Joe
And when she opens up her lunch bag,
She will go, "Oh how'd you know?"

...and so on for two more verses. If pop songs about people being united in their love for fast food isn't a surefire sell, then I just don't know what is. It's amazing I'm not a millionaire with these kinds of ideas floating around in my head.


This blog was supposed to be light-hearted and random, and yet I'm already getting moody and contemplative. I'll write something more entertaining soon. I blame the fact that it's mid-January and winter still hasn't gotten around to starting. Grumble.

Oh, and today is my mom's birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom.

I still own all my cross country shirts too.

I saw a woman out for a run today, and immediately became sad. I used to love running, even though I've never been very good at it. I always just assumed I sucked because I was weak and didn't practice enough, but it turns out that I apparently lack the lungs to do it. I haven't been to the doctor for it, but I have what appears to be a very bad case of exercise-induced asthma, as I exhibit all of the symptoms: lungs filled with mucus, a constant ineffective cough, shallow breaths that burn through the entirety of my respiratory system, and light-headedness.

The really sad part is that every time I would go running, I would come up with a reason to convince myself that there was nothing major wrong with me. I was just out of shape. Or it was the cold air that burns my lungs. I was getting over a sinus infection. There was always a perfectly good reason why my respiratory system was completely failing me, and the answer was always "Work through the pain and it will be easier tomorrow." It never was. Today, I doubt I could run two miles before I'd have to stop for lack of air. In high school I could do at least ten.

But now I have this fancy new insurance card, which I'm told can help get me some healthcare. As such, I think in the next few days I'm going to find a doctor and schedule an appointment for a checkup and examination.

The Big Problem

I've started this post a couple times already and given up because it makes me sound like an uppity jerk, but I suppose I have to get it out of the way at some point.

Barrier #2 to me finding a relationship: Liking people.

I'm a friendly person. I smile a lot, and I'm rather skilled at making small talk. If nothing else, I can keep quiet and listen to other people with some degree of attention. And I get along with most people I meet, so I don't exactly go out and start fights.

However, I don't usually find people that I feel I would enjoy spending large amounts of time with. Most of the time, I feel I can tolerate people for about 30 minutes before I'm going to become bored. People just seem to run out of personality or amusing anecdotes, or they're too afraid people will think they're weird, or something. I don't know. The bottom line is that I'm indifferent to most of the people I meet. Part of the problem is probably that the place that I come from is a small town. They think so small; they use small words.

To be fair, I don't really invite people to open up to me very well. I'm pretty sarcastic and critical, as most of the readers of this space will already know from years of hanging out with me. Usually I'm sarcastic and critical in a fun and non-offensive sort of way, but if people don't really know me that well, I can imagine them being confused and upset by my usual conversation.

This, by the way, is the main reason I do not drink. People lose their conversation filters when they've had a little to drink. For most people, this just involves the filters that stop them from saying stupid stuff that doesn't make any sense. For me, it takes a few filters to turn the mean and abusive things I think on a regular basis into a harmless little witticism, so intoxication generally ends up with me making a few new enemies and no one having fun.

But back to the subject at hand: liking people. Christy, the LPN on my unit, is the opposite of me: she either loves or hates everyone she has ever met. As such, she has gone through her life with no shortage of friends, but plenty of enemies as well and no shortage of avoidable unpleasant drama, from the way she tells it. I am going through life with no shortage of friendly well-wishers, in that they don't wish me any particular harms, and very little unpleasant drama. Most of the drama I have had in my life has ended with me in a deep situational depression, so I'm not inclined to change this one any time soon. If I were, this would be more like a hurdle then a barrier.

This is a long rambling post that I'm not particularly proud of, but I'm posting it to get it out of the way. I should probably add that if you're reading this blog, I like you, even you people I don't know who found me through my blog-wide famous sibling, like Sara.

Monday, January 8, 2007

Change of Heart

When we last left off, I was about to go into some detail about the various barriers I have when it comes to establishing any form of relationship. So with no further ado...

Barrier #1: Meeting People.

Put simply, I don't ever meet anybody new, and I'm rarely in a good situation for meeting new people. I've generally been content with having a few close friends as opposed to plenty of acquaintances, so I've never made much of an effort to go out and meet the locals, and it's worked for me. Until now, I always got by on my own, and I never really cared.

But now it chills me to the bone.

The list of places where I do meet new people is depressingly small. Since I do not want to add another bulleted list to this blog quite yet, you'll be forced to read it in prose. First, there's the various fast food chains and convenience stores that I frequent on my way to work. As a former gas station attendant, I've swapped more than a few war stories with the good people at the VP where I go on my breaks from work.

Second, work. I generally get along well with my coworkers, and we share many hilarious stories of our past exploits. We're all pretty new to the hospital, so it's nice, tight bonding experience every night. However, I usually only work with the 7 people on my unit's shift, so I don't really get the chance to meet a whole lot of people who are not mentally ill while I'm at work.

Third, the occasional random people Jeff knows when I hang out with him.

That really does it for places I meet people. Since I'm not a particularly outgoing person myself, I don't end up meeting a large number of new people in any given period of time, and at times I can be surly enough to actually repel people from miles away. Also, working in the evening shift regularly prohibits me from joining any form of civic activity that would lead me to meeting more people, and since I can never go to sleep when I get off work, I'm always up for at least half the night doing pretty much nothing on weeks when Jeff works thirds.

And the night goes on so very slow.

Monday Morning YouTube

File this one under "Didn't see that coming..."

Of course, the funniest part about this one would be the comments about how Celine Dion absolutely RUINED this masterpiece of a song.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

On Being Single

I am currently single. I have been for most of my life. In fact, last year I was in only the second major relationship of my life, and I am now a quarter of a century old.

The first major relationship was very unpleasant, not unlike dating a totalitarian tyrant. It was a long distance relationship with a very paranoid and demanding person who was convinced I was cheating on her at any possible moment and actively looked for any sign whatsoever to prove her correct. As such, the mere thought that another woman on the planet might be attractive was taken as proof that I was leaving her at any given moment. I was convicted of many thought crimes in a vast number of show trials. Once I laughed at a joke a waitress told us. Another time I said hello to a ride attendant at Cedar Point. This was all it took for me to be subjected to the Spanish Inquisition. I didn't go into that relationship expecting a sort of Spanish Inquisition. Nobody does, I'm guessing.

When that relationship ended, I was a little bummed, as I responded to those accusations not by telling her to get a grip and grow up, but with a steadfast determination to prove that she was wrong, wrong, wrong and I was right, only to be dumped in the end. Still, it was quite the burden off the shoulders, and when I got over it, I was in no hurry to ever get in a relationship again.

Until last year, when I fell ass backwards into a relationship with my boss, Dawn. This relationship was different in that it was a lot of fun, and not stressful in the slightest, to me anyways. She apparently was highly stressed about a number of issues that she never brought up to me but felt were worth dumping me over anyways, out of the blue. This messed up my world for a few months, but my world is largely put back together as it was, with one major difference.

For the first time in my life now, I am conscious of the fact that I am single. Being single seems odd to me now, like it's not the way I'm supposed to be anymore. Everyone I know is getting in a relationship of some sort, and most of the people I graduated with appear to be well on their way toward some sort of long-term committed relationship.

The obvious answer to this is that maybe I should begin looking for a relationship, but I've discovered I have more than a few deficits in that department. Since this post is beginning to grow long, and since it will give me writing material for a week or so, I'm going to put a "To Be Continued" or a "First in a Five Part Series" on this post and let it go for now.

Tune in next time: Same bat time, same bat channel!

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Brief Respite

I've meant to keep current with this thing and to fill it with every ludicrous thought that comes into my mind, but I've been away from my computer for the past couple days, as AOL Instant Messenger would say. Or rather, I've been at my computer, but only with company here playing some form of delightful video game instead of my usual lonely brooding that results in wasting time online and writing in this blog.

For you see, due to my own ineptitude, I asked for days off this week when I really didn't need them until next week. And thus, I had three days off in a row that coincided coincidentally with Jeff needing to leave his house and get away from it all for awhile. So Jeff has been crashing here on my recliner for the past few days and we've been finding all sorts of hilarious hijinx to engage in. I'd mention them, but I'm sure you'd all just call us dorks. So I'm not.

Today, in addition to calling the hospital to reschedule one New Year's Day, my plans involve watching the tragic drama that will be the Colts playoff game, waiting for Jeff to return, and then more dorky hijinx.

Since Jeff works nights next week, I'll undoubtedly post more frequently.

Monday, January 1, 2007

Groovy, Aunt Slappy Man.

I thought I'd try to post a youtube video on this blog before I left for work. If it doesn't work, this post will be deleted. If it does, then I'll make this a feature every Monday. Blogs need regular features.