I think the Colonel put St. John's Wort in his blend of 11 herbs and spices.
Think about it. Everyone loves some KFC. Everyone.
And why 11? Seriously. Who picks 11 herbs and spices? Everyone else would stop at 10. The eleventh spice is the key; the secret ingredient.
And really, why do you need 10 different herbs and spices, for that matter? Obviously to cover up the taste of the bad tasting secret ingredient, herb/spice #11.
So you eat the chicken with the St. John's Wort. You feel naturally happier. You are inclined to return and eat the chicken again. Instant repeat business.
I would be very surprised if this is not true.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, November 21, 2008
Blogging Is Hard
I really have no explanation for why I'm suddenly the Worst. Blogger. Ever.
It might be the fact that maybe one in five blog posts I write somehow come back to haunt me for months and months after I write them.
It might be that my crippling doubt about how other people see me has been all but destroyed in the past while, and since that was the creative fuel for most of my self-deprecating posts, it leaves only the kinda pretentious posts where I bitch about how much I hate what's on the radio.
It might be that Kelli's car radio sucks, and I don't listen to the radio as much.
It might be that I have lots of entertaining, funny conversations with Kelli now on a daily basis, and so the one interesting conversation I had a week is no longer noteworthy enough to get its own blog post.
It might be that I'm a little bitter about my job and don't feel like I make any kind of impact.
On the other hand, my mind still runs at about eight zillion unrelated and mostly ridiculous thoughts per hour, so I could probably document some of them.
For example, I recently added a deck of cards to my collection. They are Halloween seasonal cards called "Tragic Royalty" and all the face cards have angry or twisted in anguish expressions. Many of them are clever, like the King of Hearts being a skeleton since there's a sword sticking in his head, and the Jack of Hearts turned toward the player with a patch over his usually hidden in profile eye.
Then, while at the liquor store, I found a pack of Jack Daniels cards which were just regular playing cards with Jack Daniels advertisments on the backs. I didn't buy them, but they did give me an idea: Drunken Royalty Cards. The face cards can all be in various states of debauchery, even organized by themes. The Hearts can be Horny Drunks, the Spades can be Violent Drunks, the Clubs can be Depressed Drunks, and the Diamonds can be Fun Drunks. I think this is a can't-miss idea, and since it took me all of two seconds to think of it, why hasn't anyone at the US Playing Card Co. figured it out yet?
In completely unrelated news, Kelli and I went to Wal-Mart a few nights ago after work and found ourselves surrounded by an elite squadron of lesbian employees putting stock on the shelves. I think at least 2 out of 3 employees we saw appeared to be a lesbian. Is this a corporate wide movement? I urge everyone to check out their local Wal-Mart during the night shift hours to find out if it is also a complete Lesbinanza.
Also Wal-Mart related: there is a night shift cashier at our Wal-Mart with mutton chops. Big, thick, Civil War-era Cavalry Commander mutton chops. The problem is that the cashier is a female. With mutton chops. Long, scraggly, impossible to ignore mutton chops. I hate being completely superficial, but shouldn't someone tell her that she should do something about those? I mean, my mom never hesitated to tell me when I looked unpresentable. And shouldn't Wal-Mart have some form of anti-mutton chop policy in its Cashier Dress Code?
Ok. That's all the wisdom I've got to offer for now. Hopefully I'll think of something else soon and get back in the habit of updating this thing.
It might be the fact that maybe one in five blog posts I write somehow come back to haunt me for months and months after I write them.
It might be that my crippling doubt about how other people see me has been all but destroyed in the past while, and since that was the creative fuel for most of my self-deprecating posts, it leaves only the kinda pretentious posts where I bitch about how much I hate what's on the radio.
It might be that Kelli's car radio sucks, and I don't listen to the radio as much.
It might be that I have lots of entertaining, funny conversations with Kelli now on a daily basis, and so the one interesting conversation I had a week is no longer noteworthy enough to get its own blog post.
It might be that I'm a little bitter about my job and don't feel like I make any kind of impact.
On the other hand, my mind still runs at about eight zillion unrelated and mostly ridiculous thoughts per hour, so I could probably document some of them.
For example, I recently added a deck of cards to my collection. They are Halloween seasonal cards called "Tragic Royalty" and all the face cards have angry or twisted in anguish expressions. Many of them are clever, like the King of Hearts being a skeleton since there's a sword sticking in his head, and the Jack of Hearts turned toward the player with a patch over his usually hidden in profile eye.
Then, while at the liquor store, I found a pack of Jack Daniels cards which were just regular playing cards with Jack Daniels advertisments on the backs. I didn't buy them, but they did give me an idea: Drunken Royalty Cards. The face cards can all be in various states of debauchery, even organized by themes. The Hearts can be Horny Drunks, the Spades can be Violent Drunks, the Clubs can be Depressed Drunks, and the Diamonds can be Fun Drunks. I think this is a can't-miss idea, and since it took me all of two seconds to think of it, why hasn't anyone at the US Playing Card Co. figured it out yet?
In completely unrelated news, Kelli and I went to Wal-Mart a few nights ago after work and found ourselves surrounded by an elite squadron of lesbian employees putting stock on the shelves. I think at least 2 out of 3 employees we saw appeared to be a lesbian. Is this a corporate wide movement? I urge everyone to check out their local Wal-Mart during the night shift hours to find out if it is also a complete Lesbinanza.
Also Wal-Mart related: there is a night shift cashier at our Wal-Mart with mutton chops. Big, thick, Civil War-era Cavalry Commander mutton chops. The problem is that the cashier is a female. With mutton chops. Long, scraggly, impossible to ignore mutton chops. I hate being completely superficial, but shouldn't someone tell her that she should do something about those? I mean, my mom never hesitated to tell me when I looked unpresentable. And shouldn't Wal-Mart have some form of anti-mutton chop policy in its Cashier Dress Code?
Ok. That's all the wisdom I've got to offer for now. Hopefully I'll think of something else soon and get back in the habit of updating this thing.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Awesome Things I've Done Lately
1. Saw the Guess Who in concert. Technically, I suppose it was only two original members of the Guess Who, but all the newer people had either been playing with them for decades or had some connection with the group. Anyway, they sounded really, really good. Exceptionally. And my tickets were flat-out great. The whole experience was so exceptional that I have decided that the Guess Who are unjustly shafted in the Best Band of All Time competition. I'm not saying they are, but I think they deserve to be in the same conversation with The Beatles, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, and The Rolling Stones, if that sort of thing is your bag. The point is, they couldn't write a not-awesome song if they tried. Even their simple, just rockin' along, no-big-deal songs like Bus Rider are really really good.
2. Went to see the Indiana Fever. I think the Fever might be the best time I've had at any professional sporting event, ever, and that's some strong stuff coming from a guy who was at WrestleMania VIII and saw the Ultimate Warrior's triumphant return to the ring. Our tickets cost $10, and we were somewhere around 14 rows up, and then were able to move down after halftime. The game was really fast-paced, intense, and extremely physical for three quarters. At that point, the Fever were up by 23 and just coasted through the end. After the game, Tamika Catchings stayed for awhile to sign autographs, then came out of her way to give Kelli a high-five and thank us for coming. It's a really cool experience. If there's a WNBA franchise near you, I can't recommend supporting them enough.
3. Went back to work after having a week off. This, in actuality, was not awesome at all. In fact, it was entirely not awesome, to the point that I might have sufficient motivation to get a good job that might actually require a college diploma sometime soon. Hopefully one in Indianapolis, so I can get season tickets to the Fever.
2. Went to see the Indiana Fever. I think the Fever might be the best time I've had at any professional sporting event, ever, and that's some strong stuff coming from a guy who was at WrestleMania VIII and saw the Ultimate Warrior's triumphant return to the ring. Our tickets cost $10, and we were somewhere around 14 rows up, and then were able to move down after halftime. The game was really fast-paced, intense, and extremely physical for three quarters. At that point, the Fever were up by 23 and just coasted through the end. After the game, Tamika Catchings stayed for awhile to sign autographs, then came out of her way to give Kelli a high-five and thank us for coming. It's a really cool experience. If there's a WNBA franchise near you, I can't recommend supporting them enough.
3. Went back to work after having a week off. This, in actuality, was not awesome at all. In fact, it was entirely not awesome, to the point that I might have sufficient motivation to get a good job that might actually require a college diploma sometime soon. Hopefully one in Indianapolis, so I can get season tickets to the Fever.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Fit is really a terrible name for it.
Yesterday, I went on an epic trek to Richmond in search of Mario Kart Wii. I had it on good authority that a shipment was coming in at my favorite video game store, and that it would be there between 11:00 and 12:00, and that I could get one held for me if I showed up. Naturally, I had to take advantage of such an offer, considering the degree of difficulty I've had in locating the game.
Well, to make a long story short, the shipment was short a game, and the other two people they were holding games for stayed in the store while I did shopping elsewhere, so my two hour wait in Richmond was for naught... or was it? The shopkeeper informed me that he did have one copy of the equally impossible to find Wii Fit. Rather than go home empty handed, I decided to give the odd little exercise program thing a try.
First, Wii Fit is decidedly much less exciting than Mario Kart. In fact, there is no racing or turtle shell flinging to be seen, so really, if you've got a hankerin to play some Mario Kart, you don't really want Wii Fit. It's just not going to cut it.
Second, seeing as how I've only had it one day, I'm not really sure I can judge how effective it is at getting people in shape. However, after playing a few of the games, it occurred to me that it was a beautiful day outside and that I might actually enjoy going outside and getting some for real exercise. So that's a plus.
Third, I'm more convinced than ever that the Wii is Japan's twisted vengeance against tall Americans. I first got the clue when I played "Wii Boxing" and my combatant was unable to punch below the chin and threw most of his punches over his opponent's head. Keeping in mind that the first rule of video games is "If you're losing, the controller must be broken," I decided my height worked against me and started spreading my legs way out to make me shorter. Kelli still gave me a solid beatdown though, so I'm still apparently not short enough.
Wii Fit, meanwhile, doesn't fit in my apartment. In order to play, I donned my running shoes and stood up on the three inch balance board and started doing some yoga, specifically the "Half Moon Pose". As soon as I stretched my arms up, my hands hit the ceiling, and I'm now trying to adjust my position so I fit on the board and the little red dot that shows my center of balance is flying all over the place and I end up with a final score of 13/200, and my trainer insulted me. And the strength training where you have to stretch your legs out or do pushups will require some serious furniture moving. Now, I know from watching enough HGTV and The Amazing Race with my dad that there isn't a ton of room in Japanese housing, so I'm assuming that your typical living room gives you plenty of room provided you are not over six feet tall.
So, now I'll have to talk to Kelli about rearranging the living room so that the I will fit in it while using the Wii Fit and try not to think about how perfect my living room set up is for Mario Kart.
Well, to make a long story short, the shipment was short a game, and the other two people they were holding games for stayed in the store while I did shopping elsewhere, so my two hour wait in Richmond was for naught... or was it? The shopkeeper informed me that he did have one copy of the equally impossible to find Wii Fit. Rather than go home empty handed, I decided to give the odd little exercise program thing a try.
First, Wii Fit is decidedly much less exciting than Mario Kart. In fact, there is no racing or turtle shell flinging to be seen, so really, if you've got a hankerin to play some Mario Kart, you don't really want Wii Fit. It's just not going to cut it.
Second, seeing as how I've only had it one day, I'm not really sure I can judge how effective it is at getting people in shape. However, after playing a few of the games, it occurred to me that it was a beautiful day outside and that I might actually enjoy going outside and getting some for real exercise. So that's a plus.
Third, I'm more convinced than ever that the Wii is Japan's twisted vengeance against tall Americans. I first got the clue when I played "Wii Boxing" and my combatant was unable to punch below the chin and threw most of his punches over his opponent's head. Keeping in mind that the first rule of video games is "If you're losing, the controller must be broken," I decided my height worked against me and started spreading my legs way out to make me shorter. Kelli still gave me a solid beatdown though, so I'm still apparently not short enough.
Wii Fit, meanwhile, doesn't fit in my apartment. In order to play, I donned my running shoes and stood up on the three inch balance board and started doing some yoga, specifically the "Half Moon Pose". As soon as I stretched my arms up, my hands hit the ceiling, and I'm now trying to adjust my position so I fit on the board and the little red dot that shows my center of balance is flying all over the place and I end up with a final score of 13/200, and my trainer insulted me. And the strength training where you have to stretch your legs out or do pushups will require some serious furniture moving. Now, I know from watching enough HGTV and The Amazing Race with my dad that there isn't a ton of room in Japanese housing, so I'm assuming that your typical living room gives you plenty of room provided you are not over six feet tall.
So, now I'll have to talk to Kelli about rearranging the living room so that the I will fit in it while using the Wii Fit and try not to think about how perfect my living room set up is for Mario Kart.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Hey! Look! A Blog Post!
So I recently just stumbled upon some blog. It's called "The Ballpoint Banana." The tone seems to be largely sarcastic and condescending, but I think it's a style I might be able to mimic, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
I suppose now would be a perfect time to write about why I write a blog and, even more appropriately, why I do not write a blog.
1. Video Games. When I have a host of fun games at my disposal to play, it dominates my time. Always has. I've been playing video games since before I could read, and I do not see this trend slowing at any point. Recently I discovered I have a Grand Theft Auto addiction, and I have finished Grand Theft Auto III, Vice City, and San Andreas since my previous blog post. I am also halfway through Liberty City Stories on my PSP, playing it only when I am on break at work or when Kelli is shopping for shoes or purses and I am bored.
Speaking of Kelli, the Video Game playing has only increased because I purchased a Wii which we now play all the time. Kelli has enjoyed scant few video games, but she loves the Wii. The prospect of playing video games with a girlfriend is simply to awesome to ignore, so many hours have been played in front of the Wii.
On top of all this, I have The Sims Complete Collection that Kelli and I played for a few weeks before we got the Wii (see, finding a video game to play with the significant other has always been a high priority for me), so I have a whole slew of games that I could lavish my attention on. Or I can write boring blog posts, try for a while to make them interesting, fail, and then go play fun video games.
2. Kelli: Kelli, in case you haven't caught on, is my girlfriend, and she represents a dramatic shift in my dating patterns. I have this whole "fear of commitment" issue going on, largely based on the fact that my life is in no way stable, I'm not settled in what I want to be doing long-term, and I can't say where I'll be this time next year. The uncertainty is not conducive for relationships. However, I still enjoy going out with people, so what I would always do was find girlfriends whose company I enjoyed but couldn't see myself being with longterm due to complete psychosis or general dumbness. My coworker Claudia referred to them as "floozies," and I think that's a rather apt description. Kelli, however, is smart, and funny, and sane. She's also accommodating and friendly and good to me. So my mindset has switched from it's default "This will do for now" setting to "Dear God Let's Not Screw This One Up" setting. This new setting takes quite a bit more attention.
3. Lack of conflict: Life is going well right now. I'm rarely, if ever, bored at home. I spend a good chunk of time with my girlfriend. My car has actually been performing as it is supposed to. I'm even lacking on hilariously embarrassing injuries of late, although the massive sunburn on the top of my knee that I incurred while driving home from Cousin Camp this weekend is up there. The only real conflict is from work, and it is mostly alleged, and it would also be most unwise to talk about it on the internets, so I'm not writing about that. Without conflict, there's not much of a story arc, and the blog turns into "The Journal of the Most Boring Person On the Planet". As such, I will probably spend most future entries taking something completely trivial and treating it as the most important problem facing society today, hoping that the disparity between tone and subject matter causes some comedic material. Look for "Wii Boxing: The Japanese Conspiracy Against the Vertically Gifted" in a future entry.
I suppose now would be a perfect time to write about why I write a blog and, even more appropriately, why I do not write a blog.
1. Video Games. When I have a host of fun games at my disposal to play, it dominates my time. Always has. I've been playing video games since before I could read, and I do not see this trend slowing at any point. Recently I discovered I have a Grand Theft Auto addiction, and I have finished Grand Theft Auto III, Vice City, and San Andreas since my previous blog post. I am also halfway through Liberty City Stories on my PSP, playing it only when I am on break at work or when Kelli is shopping for shoes or purses and I am bored.
Speaking of Kelli, the Video Game playing has only increased because I purchased a Wii which we now play all the time. Kelli has enjoyed scant few video games, but she loves the Wii. The prospect of playing video games with a girlfriend is simply to awesome to ignore, so many hours have been played in front of the Wii.
On top of all this, I have The Sims Complete Collection that Kelli and I played for a few weeks before we got the Wii (see, finding a video game to play with the significant other has always been a high priority for me), so I have a whole slew of games that I could lavish my attention on. Or I can write boring blog posts, try for a while to make them interesting, fail, and then go play fun video games.
2. Kelli: Kelli, in case you haven't caught on, is my girlfriend, and she represents a dramatic shift in my dating patterns. I have this whole "fear of commitment" issue going on, largely based on the fact that my life is in no way stable, I'm not settled in what I want to be doing long-term, and I can't say where I'll be this time next year. The uncertainty is not conducive for relationships. However, I still enjoy going out with people, so what I would always do was find girlfriends whose company I enjoyed but couldn't see myself being with longterm due to complete psychosis or general dumbness. My coworker Claudia referred to them as "floozies," and I think that's a rather apt description. Kelli, however, is smart, and funny, and sane. She's also accommodating and friendly and good to me. So my mindset has switched from it's default "This will do for now" setting to "Dear God Let's Not Screw This One Up" setting. This new setting takes quite a bit more attention.
3. Lack of conflict: Life is going well right now. I'm rarely, if ever, bored at home. I spend a good chunk of time with my girlfriend. My car has actually been performing as it is supposed to. I'm even lacking on hilariously embarrassing injuries of late, although the massive sunburn on the top of my knee that I incurred while driving home from Cousin Camp this weekend is up there. The only real conflict is from work, and it is mostly alleged, and it would also be most unwise to talk about it on the internets, so I'm not writing about that. Without conflict, there's not much of a story arc, and the blog turns into "The Journal of the Most Boring Person On the Planet". As such, I will probably spend most future entries taking something completely trivial and treating it as the most important problem facing society today, hoping that the disparity between tone and subject matter causes some comedic material. Look for "Wii Boxing: The Japanese Conspiracy Against the Vertically Gifted" in a future entry.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Bullets Within Bullets
1. Chicks have lots of stuff, as it turns out. My apartment is now part warehouse.
2. I have lots of boardgames. I went to Goodwill today to drop off some furniture and look for shelves to put my board games on. I succeeded in buying more board games.
3. But they were really, really cheap! C'mon. I had to.
4. I then went to Wal-Mart and bought shelves because I didn't feel like driving all the way across town to Meijer. Also, I'm unsure of what selection Meijer has in furniture.
5. I haven't even gotten around to clothing, cd, and book sorting yet.
6. But, let's kill the suspense and get to the question everyone has surely been contemplating for over a week now: How awesome is Kelli? Let's go over the checklist:
A. Not too impressed with The Tick. This, of course, is a terrible start to any awesomeness checklist, but it's not a dealbreaker yet. As it turns out, she's never been a big fantasy/sci-fi/comic person, so a lot of the humor may be lost on her. I don't know.
B. Loves board games. This is a big one. I've already hooked her on Backgammon, played a couple other strategic two player games like Mancala (ok, but overrated in both of our estimations), and Roundabouts, which is fun and exciting. She has yet to beat me at any of these, but I'm sure her day will come. We've also played games with friends, such as Trivial Pursuit, Life, and a trivia game I bought for five bucks called Mental Floss. She tends to be good at Life, even though it always appeared to me as the sort of game you couldn't actually be good at. She's not a fan of Monopoly on accounta it takes too long, and she's never played Risk, so there's room for improvement on this front too, but this just means we're at Severely Awesome levels with the potential for Completely Awesome levels in the future.
C. Plays a quality game of Euchre. Also important, as mocking my brother-in-laws after shellacking them at Euchre every year is a tradition I don't plan on breaking.
D. Understands most of my allusions. I don't feel like I have to throttle down my intelligence when I talk to her, and she catches most of my references. If she doesn't, then I can just explain it without anyone feeling inadequate. Plus, she talks all smart and shit too, and makes references I don't understand frequently. It works.
E. Loves movies, but does not share my quest to see all the best pictures. This is because, like me, she is resistant to seeing really really long movies. I keep telling her that I always thought the same thing but I keep loving these movies I thought I wouldn't, but she hasn't budged yet. Instead, we each pick out a movie from the 2/$1 section of Family Video, either something we think the other one will like, or something we've always wanted to see.
F. Loved Gil Thorp and Judge Parker from the moment she saw them. The fact that she instantly saw the vast potential for humor in the soap opera strips negates the lack of love for The Tick, I think.
So, she's passing the awesome quotient so far.
8. Where was I? Oh, speaking of Judge Parker, why are we bouncing around from story to story here? We go from Sam's new law partner search/sandwich order to Legless Steve getting threats from the Taliban to Abbey Spencer wandering around the abandoned Dickens compound. C'mon, Judge Parker, it takes you 8 months to wrap up one storyline; you cannot handle three at a time. And speaking of the Dickens, am I supposed to believe that the kindly elderly woman who gives pot brownies to her neighbors while her loony husband buzzes around in his biplane all day is the villain of this story? On the plus side, this is better than having absentee Taliban villains, and I can now refer to her as Evil Elvira and her Brownies of Doom. Also, since practically nothing bad ever happens to the villains in this strip outside of the Paris punks, I suppose there is no cause for concern.
9. I take my soap opera comics very seriously.
2. I have lots of boardgames. I went to Goodwill today to drop off some furniture and look for shelves to put my board games on. I succeeded in buying more board games.
3. But they were really, really cheap! C'mon. I had to.
4. I then went to Wal-Mart and bought shelves because I didn't feel like driving all the way across town to Meijer. Also, I'm unsure of what selection Meijer has in furniture.
5. I haven't even gotten around to clothing, cd, and book sorting yet.
6. But, let's kill the suspense and get to the question everyone has surely been contemplating for over a week now: How awesome is Kelli? Let's go over the checklist:
A. Not too impressed with The Tick. This, of course, is a terrible start to any awesomeness checklist, but it's not a dealbreaker yet. As it turns out, she's never been a big fantasy/sci-fi/comic person, so a lot of the humor may be lost on her. I don't know.
B. Loves board games. This is a big one. I've already hooked her on Backgammon, played a couple other strategic two player games like Mancala (ok, but overrated in both of our estimations), and Roundabouts, which is fun and exciting. She has yet to beat me at any of these, but I'm sure her day will come. We've also played games with friends, such as Trivial Pursuit, Life, and a trivia game I bought for five bucks called Mental Floss. She tends to be good at Life, even though it always appeared to me as the sort of game you couldn't actually be good at. She's not a fan of Monopoly on accounta it takes too long, and she's never played Risk, so there's room for improvement on this front too, but this just means we're at Severely Awesome levels with the potential for Completely Awesome levels in the future.
C. Plays a quality game of Euchre. Also important, as mocking my brother-in-laws after shellacking them at Euchre every year is a tradition I don't plan on breaking.
D. Understands most of my allusions. I don't feel like I have to throttle down my intelligence when I talk to her, and she catches most of my references. If she doesn't, then I can just explain it without anyone feeling inadequate. Plus, she talks all smart and shit too, and makes references I don't understand frequently. It works.
E. Loves movies, but does not share my quest to see all the best pictures. This is because, like me, she is resistant to seeing really really long movies. I keep telling her that I always thought the same thing but I keep loving these movies I thought I wouldn't, but she hasn't budged yet. Instead, we each pick out a movie from the 2/$1 section of Family Video, either something we think the other one will like, or something we've always wanted to see.
F. Loved Gil Thorp and Judge Parker from the moment she saw them. The fact that she instantly saw the vast potential for humor in the soap opera strips negates the lack of love for The Tick, I think.
So, she's passing the awesome quotient so far.
8. Where was I? Oh, speaking of Judge Parker, why are we bouncing around from story to story here? We go from Sam's new law partner search/sandwich order to Legless Steve getting threats from the Taliban to Abbey Spencer wandering around the abandoned Dickens compound. C'mon, Judge Parker, it takes you 8 months to wrap up one storyline; you cannot handle three at a time. And speaking of the Dickens, am I supposed to believe that the kindly elderly woman who gives pot brownies to her neighbors while her loony husband buzzes around in his biplane all day is the villain of this story? On the plus side, this is better than having absentee Taliban villains, and I can now refer to her as Evil Elvira and her Brownies of Doom. Also, since practically nothing bad ever happens to the villains in this strip outside of the Paris punks, I suppose there is no cause for concern.
9. I take my soap opera comics very seriously.
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