Saturday, March 17, 2007

Conversations I Never Want To Have Again

The First Installment of a Hopefully Never Continued Series

Morbidly Obese* Nurse Detailed To Our Unit: Hey, how tall are you?
Me: 6'4".
MON: No you're not.
Me: Um.
MON: Because my baby's daddy is 6'7"...
Me: Uh.
MON: So I think you're six-foot.
Me: Well...
Dumb Coworker (to MON): Well, how tall are you?
Me: ...
MON: 5'8".
DC: Well, he looks taller than you.
MON: Wait, let me stand up.
Me: hm.
MON: I guess you might be 6'4".
Me: Yeah. (Quickly leaves).
DC: Not like you needed her permission to... (converstaions ends as I am elsewhere, fast).

And now it's time for a fun interactive web game! Take any one of my monosyllabic responses, provide the cue that provoked it, and replace my response with what you believe I was actually thinking. I mostly am curious as to whether or not people think I am as mean as I actualy am.

*Guilt-induced disclaimer: Due to many unrealistic ideas about the ideal female form, the suggested societal belief that women should not feel good about their bodies, general decency, and the fact that I have had attractive thin women turn me down for dates because they feel fat standing next to me, I do not typically make any form of comment about obesity in women, and generally find the belief that all women should be rail-thin to be utterly distasteful. This nurse, however, went well beyond the borders of healthy, attractive, voluptuous, curvy, and downright American pleasantly plumpness and into the realms of "I have a serious health problem that I refuse to do anything about," akin to a cancer survivor who won't quit smoking. I think I gave up at least 100 pounds to her. Plus, she spent much of the shift in the nurse's station doing very little, and I later had to endure a 5 minute dissertation on how much chocolate she consumes in a normal day. Thus, I refer to her as the Morbidly Obese Nurse simply because I believe morbid obesity is an inextricable part of her personality, not to make a cheap fat joke. Thank you for continuing to believe that I'm a sensitive, nice person despite the fact that the "Misanthropy" tag gets a lot more use than most would deem healthy.

1 comment:

BerryBird said...

OK, I'll play...

MON: Wait, let me stand up.
Andy: Don't strain yourself.

The pickings are easy here. But you know what? It doesn't count as mean if you don't say it out loud. Does it? Beacause otherwise I am a horrible nasty person.