The Crazy World of Pickup Basketball

I found this article on pickup basketball player archetypes last summer. Here's me:

Mr. Intensity:

Every game is played like it's his last. He’s big on boxing out with his elbows and setting moving picks, the only problem being he usually doesn't know how to play and ends up putting someone in the hospital. (Making it their last).

AKA The Guy Who Gets People Hurt

...except I don't box out with my elbows, I merely extend my arm slightly to make myself wider because those rebounds aren't going to get themselves. It is certainly not my fault that my elbows tend to be about the same height as other people's noses. Moving picks... it might've happened once or twice. Also, there is an inordinate number of cocky pricks who play pickup basketball, and playing them at an organized sport is the only acceptable way in polite society to hurt and humiliate these people.

Here's another good one:

The Girl:

There's always that one girl who tries to play. She desperately wants to prove something to one of the guys. What, we don’t really know. She has a washboard stomach (which she shows off with a sports bra), and is incredibly intense and humorless. With a very, very few exceptions, the women are always horrible and you should be ashamed of yourself if she schools you. Don’t give her an inch. Give her some elbows like you're Charles Oakley, and fuck being gallant.

Here's one I would add:

The Wife Beater:

There's always a guy who shows up to play in a wife beater. He usually shows up with his best friend or brother, also in a wife beater. The wife beater measures his worth as a man by how many points he can score and thus will never pass to anyone. He takes the same running midrange jumper every time he touches the ball, and when it's not falling, he gets frustrated and tries even harder. The problem is that he's putting the shot up too hard already, and so the harder he tries, the worse he gets. When he does not have the ball, he spends every second at the top of the key calling for the ball, and asserts "I was open!" anytime someone else takes a shot.