Thursday, February 22, 2007

Close to my soul, and yet so far away

For a couple of weeks, I thought I was going to miss February this year. As February began, the Colts were in the Super Bowl, so it didn't feel like February. Then the Colts went on and won the Super Bowl, so that helped delay February for a while longer. Then we got two lovely and delightful winter storms within a few days of each other, and the cold weather held up for a week afterwards. Snow always lifts my spirits, and we had experienced none up until then, so I was finally satisfied with my winter (although a couple more snowstorms wouldn't hurt either).

But now the high from my favorite team of 15 years finally winning a championship has subsided, and the depressing February mild weather has set in. Rain storms are frequent enough to be miserable, but haven't succeeded in melting the huge mountains of snow the plows put on the edges of the streets. These mounds are bereft of any beauty the snow had previously exhibited, and just remind me of how happy I was a week ago, which just highlights my utter lack of happiness at this moment.

And now, I'm remembering exactly why February is the most depressing month of the year.

My depression isn't remotely serious. All of my depressive episodes are highly ephemeral, and the causes are very mild, garden variety things that everyone gets depressed about at some point in his or her life: crappy jobs, problematic relationships, a complete lack of relationships, few friends, etc. I won't go into details about what's eating me other than to say that I think I can do much more than my current position requires but can't seem to find a niche where I'm needed, my ex-girlfriend, after treating me with complete immaturity and disrespect, is in a happy relationship while the results Yahoo! Personals sends me suggests that there is no one within 100 miles that I would enjoy dating and it bothers me that I quietly resent her for it, and my apartment is such a mess that I can't imagine why anyone would want to hang out with me anyway. At least one of these problems appears to be easily solved.

The true point of this post is to share my natural thought processes during these occasional down periods, because I don't seem to meet many people who respond to depression quite the same way I do. I do not have thoughts of self-harm. I do not feel the need to eat more or abuse any form of drug. Instead, my knee-jerk reaction is to run, figuratively and literally. While I could still breathe while exercising, I would run when I got feeling bad, and it always cheered me up. As that option has been cruelly taken from me, my depression has risen. Now, I get a very strong case of wanderlust. The target of my move has always been someplace rather remote and freezing. I once had a dream I was moving to Billings, MT. I once searched for jobs in Fairbanks, AK. In college, I openly wondered what moving to Oslo would require.

Those are just examples of what I think, though. I'm unable to describe the exact feeling behind it. Luckily, the Great Gonzo can do it for me:

This looks familiar, vaguely familiar,
Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet.
Close to my soul, and yet so far away.
I'm going to go back there someday.

Sun rises, night falls, sometimes the sky calls.
Is that a song there, and do I belong there?
I've never been there, but I know the way.
I'm going to go back there someday.

Come and go with me, it's more fun to share,
We'll both be completely at home in midair.
We're flyin', not walkin', on featherless wings.
We can hold onto love like invisible strings.

There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I'm going to go back there someday.
I'm going to go back there someday.

Everytime I get depressed, I become more convinced that I don't belong here. I usually convince myself that I'd be the same anywhere, that my depression is caused internally, and a change of scenery would be a temporary fix at best. I'm not sure of that now.

1 comment:

BerryBird said...

I used to get the most down in March, because in my part of the world, March is still winter most of the time, and by then the whole business of winter is really starting to drag. We've had some light winters lately though and now I'm just confused.

May your angst pass with speed.