The Cat Came Back

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internets, Mr. JJ Flash:



Three things to notice about this picture:

1. JJ is unimpressed with you. You and your lame-o, boring symmetrical face. I think this might be the friendliest he's ever looked though. Disdain and condescension are really his only two expressions.

2. Check that look of steely determination on what's visible of my face. I think that might be the hardest I've concentrated in a long time. I was going to get the perfect picture of this cat, dammit, if it took all night!

3. And while we're there, is that not the suavest mustache anyone has ever seen? No wonder the ladies are now lining up to go out with yours truly. Possible updates to this situation as the week goes on.

Today's Shirt + Rare JJ Cameo

Description: "It's all good. Donate Blood."

Origin: It turns out you get one of these after you donate blood.

Decision: Keep. I have about a zillion of these things, but most of them have suffered some unfortunate stain. This one appears to be still good, and since I have so many bizarre and inexplicable t-shirts, I figure I am honor bound to keep the one that has a positive social message. Plus, I can put some fake blood all over it, get some fake fangs, and presto! Instant vampire costume for Halloween.



I tried to include a picture of the elusive Mr. JJ Flash, but just as I went to capture the image, he decided it was time to sneak up and pounce on his mortal enemy, namely everything on my computer desk. Next time, maybe.

When Jon Arbuckle Completely Loses His Mind

...he will resemble me. This is a post about human/feline interaction, since I'm grateful that I still have the bugger.

JJ loves catnip, and it now occurs to me that JJ is rather intelligent, as far as cats go. He just came into the room where I was busy wasting time and let out a loud meow saying, "Hey, you. Pay attention to me or I'll scratch up your chair. Oh? You're just going to say 'Hi JJ' and not come pet me? Well, don't think I won't make good on my threat." ::scratch scratch scratch:: "Got your attention now, don't I?"

As I felt rather bad for not spending ample time with my beloved pet, I took some time out of my busy time-wasting schedule and petted him, cuddled with him, and generally showed him some affection. Then I applied some catnip to his scratch mat, and he was grateful.

Five minutes later, JJ comes in and meows at me again, and then starts pawing the ajar closet door where I got the catnip from. I shut the door completely and told him to get a job if he wants to support his catnip addiction. No freeloaders in my apartment.

Oh, and I don't really keep catnip in the closet. Usually it's in the pantry, next to the cat food. It was moved in case the repairman had to get at some pipes through the pantry, which is just two tiles away from the busted tile. I didn't feel like making up some excuse about drinking catnip tea or smoking catnip cigarettes in case he found it, although I've heard stories of people doing such things. And I don't really blame them. Catnip smells delightful.

Victory!

The landlord's repair guy came in to fix the leak over my kitchen while I was sleeping. As far as I can tell, Mr. JJ Flash remains undetected. My brilliant plan of isolating my bedroom and leaving the fan on high all day and all night to soundproof the room was apparently successful.

Oh, and the leak did collapse the ceiling tile before it was fixed. Made quite the mess.

Crap!

My kitchen ceiling is leaking. The ceiling tile is soaking wet and dripping onto the floor. It seriously looks as if it could break any minute.

I have an illegal cat in my apartment that my landlord will be excessively pissed about if he finds. I also have no plumbing skills to speak of to try and fix the problem myself. I don't even know what the problem could be.

This would result in some hilarious hijinx if my life were a sitcom.

Luckily for me, the bank is closed and I don't have the landlord's number handy. That will give me plenty of time to hide my daysleeping cat in my room tonight after I see Harry Potter.

Of course, it'll only be lucky for me if the tile doesn't collapse and flood my apartment between now and tomorrow morning.

Wait, what about cat hair? It's everywhere. They'll see it. Hiding an illegal cat was much more fun when it was easy. Ideas?

Is he really all right now?

Today's Slylock Fox:



Shortly after I read this in the wee hours of the morning, JJ jumped up into my lap, plopped down, and starting purring like all get out. Normally, I'd chalk this up to typically friendly cat behavior, but after reading the answer to Question 2, I suddenly became a very paranoid cat owner. What's the matter, JJ? Are you happy? Or are you distressed or in pain?

So, thanks, Slylock Fox, for making sure I'll always be wondering if my cat is purring to let me know that he's dying a slow, painful death.

Also, I love how oblivious the woman in this comic is about the fact that 10 cats are stalking her. The real lesson for kids here is, "When preparing a tuna fish sandwich on toast, don't be so fixated on your dinner that you forget to close the front door, lest you be clawed to death by every stray in the neighborhood. Also, don't keep your toaster in your living room."

See, there's plenty of entertainment to be had without spending a dime. I'll make it until payday, no problem.

He's All Right Now (In fact he's a gas)

My thoughts tonight are largely unbloggable, so instead of sharing them, I give you

Funny Things JJ Does

First Funny Thing:

My computer speaker's power button emits a blue light. This blue light is JJ's arch-nemesis. He sees it, his ears perk up, and it's on like Donkey Kong. I've kept track, and JJ is now 5-0 against the blue light. His trademark right hook usually sends the entire speaker system sprawling to the floor.

Second Funny Thing:

JJ appears to have two ideal sleeping places: My computer keyboard, and my face. I can sort of understand the computer keyboard. I imagine it's like a beaded seat cushion for cats. He only sleeps on it when I'm not around, and I can tell because he leaves cat hair all over it. As for my face, it could be his way of saying, "Hey dude, there's only one bed in this apartment, and you've been hogging it for the last 6 hours. You could really stand to be a bit more considerate of a roommate and let me have some downtime." He also likes to pace back and forth across my face while I'm trying to go to sleep.

Third Funny Thing:

JJ has perfect posture at all times. Even lying down, he likes to hold his head perfectly erect for a few minutes, surveying all he sees like Yertle the Turtle, before doing some regal rolling around.

Fourth Funny Thing:

JJ likes to pace beside me as I pace endlessly up and down my long hallway. His favorite thing to do is to stay a step behind me and then suddenly turn on the gas, dart in front of me, and then cut me off. This usually results in him being accidentally kicked.

Fifth Funny Thing:

Every day when I come home from work, JJ is at the door to greet me with a customary meow, then with an unpresuming plop to the ground. He then rolls from one side to the other, stands up, plops, and rolls again. If I fail to immediately begin petting him, he'll start cuddling laps around my legs. If I decide to go ahead and pet him, he'll allow it for about five seconds before batting my wrist with his front claws. Odd little creature.

Sixth Funny Thing:

JJ has a bad case of Restless Tail Syndrome. I don't think I've seen his tail stop moving once since I got him last week. Only the tip swishes back and forth, and it's perennially curved like a question mark.

I hope you've enjoyed this installment of Funny Things JJ Does.

JJ is curled up on my lap and purring softly to himself as I type this entry. I've been petting him for the past 15 minutes. Tiny, itchy little bumps are forming on forearms.

No no no no no.

I've always, always suspected I had a cat allergy, but recently, my immune and respiratory systems have been functioning normally while I'm around felines, so I figured I was probably wrong. That's why I agreed to take JJ. Because I love cats, and they haven't been bugging me.

Until now that I seem to be breaking out in hives from touching him. Why? Why?

No, I'm not getting rid of him. My arms will have to learn to deal. Invest in Benadryl.

He's a gas gas gas.

I got a cat. His name is JJ. He's black and white, but the goofiest looking black and white cat I've ever seen. His chin, nose, and one eye is black, with the rest of his face being white. The back of his head is black, and he has a couple black spots on his back, but mostly he's white. The most awesome thing is that his two hind legs are both completely black, so he resembles a cat wearing black trousers.

Anyway, he's a friendly enough guy, comes over and lets me pet him, but then walks away to do his thing. He is nocturnal, and stays up most of the night pacing up and down my hallway. This is cool, because I usually end up spending most of my nights pacing up and down my hallway. Now he walks beside me, and I talk to him, which is less frowned upon than talking to myself.

Also, as soon as I got in the car after I got him, Jumping Jack Flash by the Rolling Stones came on the radio, and as such I've decided that his name can be JJ for short, but it's really Jumping Jack Flash.

He has not yet accepted that this is his new home, and spends a lot of time looking at the door crying.

***

Also, I have a question of sports and gender ethics. Yesterday, I played some pickup basketball. One of the players was a 19 year old female who stands about 5'5" and possesses a decent 3 point shot that you at least have to respect. The problem is that she can't play defense whatsoever, and instead of trying, she deliberately tries to hurt the person with the ball by throwing elbows, grabbing and pulling back as they run past her, or just pushing them over when they go to shoot without any effort toward making a play on the ball. Usually this sort of bush-league play is performed only by completely untalented people who can't compete in any other way or 14 year old boys with crazy hormones who haven't figured out that it's not acceptable. These types are easy to deal with: you just charge at them for a couple plays, put them on the ground, and eventually they lighten up a bit. However, no one was really comfortable with doing that, since she was much smaller than us and considerably more female.

Her partner began making up for her by calling all of his own fouls, but she still didn't take a hint and started calling us a variety of names designed to degrade our masculinity, and said the rule should be "no blood, no foul" which is not something that someone who is actively trying to hurt people is allowed to call. Her teammate basically told her that he was the one calling the fouls, since he was the one committing them. Then I started guarding her, which was not a favorable matchup for her since I have about 11" of height on her and can effectively lock her down. She complained.

So I'm not sure what the socially acceptable solution to this conundrum is. We just left shortly after that, as avoiding people I don't like is my default solution to all of my social problems.